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THE 



NASBY PAPE 



BY 



PETROLEUM V. XASBY 

'^ PASTER UV THE CHURCH UV THE :N00 DISPENSASHUN** 



OHi'tlj an SntvDtrtictiou 

BY 

GEOUGE AUGUSTUS SALA 




OniGn^AL STEBEO TYPED EDITION 



LONDON 
WAED, LOCK, AND TYLER 

158 FLEET STEEET 

MDCCCLXVI 



e: 



LO^•DO^" : 

LZYEY KSB CO., PEIMEES, GEKAT ^'i;^V STEEKT 

JETTEK LANE, Ic.C. 



DEDIKASHEN. 



To tiiat Sterlin Patryot and unkorruptible clirisclien geii" 
tleman, Fernandywood, uv Xoo York ; 

To that hi-toned man and wool- dyed Dimokrat^ Franklin 
Peerse, nv iSToo Hampshire ; 

To that long-sufFrin but pashent Dimokrat, Jesse D. 
Brite, uv Injeany, whose highest recommendashun is that 
he wuz eckspelled frum a Ablishn Senit, but who wood hev 
resined hed ther ever bin a presedent fer a Dimokrat resinin ; 
and 

To the grate Vallandygum, uv Ohio, who went to the 
stake with a kamness onparrallelled fer prinssipple, 

These book is respectfully dedikated^ by 

THE ORTHEPv, 



Parsonage, Chuech uv the Noo Dispensashun, 
WinCtERT*s Corners, 0. Aug. 1, 1SG4. 



INTRODUCTION. 



I HAVE no wish to detain the reader from the perusal of 
these !]^ASBY Papers, in which I trust much excellent fooling 
may be found ; but I may hint that, were any special re- 
commendation needed for their author, it might be found in 
— well, not precisely his Christian, but his sponsorial, name. 
The gentleman signs himself " Petroleum V. Nasby ;" and 
I apprehend that any gentleman bearing such a prefix to 
his name should be at once and enthusiastically made wel- 
come in the most respectable English society. I say the 
most respectable ; for I need not point out that the greatest 
amount of respectability is to be found in those circles where 
the worship of dollars and cents, or of pounds, shillings, and 
pence, is most devoutly cultivated. Would you not be civil to 
.any body with the designation of Kothschildl For a similar 
reason, he who rejoices in the name of Petroleum should at 
once be pressed to the heart of society; for what does 
Petroleum mean, just now, but money *? In comparison with 
the nasty, dirty, sticky, greasy stuff T«hich is spouting up in 
oleaginous volcanoes all over the State of Pennsylvania, and 
which we are devoutly hoping will soon begin to spout up 
all over our Australian colonies — by the side of Petroleum 
gold is, momentarily, reckoned as "very small potatoes;" 
silver is at a discount ; and diamonds are a drug in the 



VI INTRODUCTION. 

market. Petrolia is the new El I>orado ; Oil Creek is Pac- 
tolus ; and Oil City is Opbir. The Isles of Greece are nothing 
to the eternal summer of money-making that reigns in the 
greasy streets and the '' ily" shanties of the Petroleum dis- 
trict. " You needn't mind now/' said a great oil-heiress to 
a faithless swain who, hearing that she had become enriched, 
was seeking to renew his suit, — '' you needn't mind now ; 
dacVs struck ileP' The striking of an oil-spring had con- 
verted the humble village maiden into a Transatlantic Miss 
Burdett Coutts. Thus '' Petroleum V. INTasby" comes before 
the public, it will be seen, with the most powerful credentials. 
It is as though he rode upon the Golden Calf, and was first 
cousin to Mammon. His name is redolent of " most filthy 
lucre," in the shape of unrefined rock-oil ; and as an "ile'^ 
dignitary, he is entitled, as the diplomatists say, to ''the 
assurance of the most distinguished consideration of the 
undersigned." 

Geoege Augustus Sala. 



64 GuiLDroED Street, Russell Squake, 
London. Ocfoler 1S65. 



CONTENTS- 



I. ON NEGRO EMIGRATION- 
IT. HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH VALLANDIGHAM 
III. ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE 
IV. SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD NOT BE DRAFTED 

V. IN CANADA 

VI. IS FINALLY DRAFTED 
VII. DESERTS — HIS EXPERIENCE IN CLOTHES 
VIII. CAPTURES A TURKEY 
IX. IMPROVES HIS FORTUNES BY MARRIAGE 
X. CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHERN SOLDIER 
XI. AT HOME . . . . 

XII. ASSISTS DRAFT REGISTERS . 

XIII. STRATEGISES 

XIV. ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS . 
XV. ORGANISES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH 
XVI. GOES ON WITH HIS CHURCH 
XVII. STARTS A PAPER .... 

XVIII. PREACHES AND MAKES A SUDDEN SHIFT 
XIX. OBSERVES A DAY OF FASTING 

XX. VISITS VALLANDIGHAM 
XXI. CONFESSION OF FAITH 
XXII. PREACHES — SUBJECT, ^* GIVEN" . 
XXIII. VISITS CAMP DENNISON TO ELECTIONEER 

VALLANDIGHAM .... 
XXIV. IN THE " APOSSEL BIZNIS*' . 
XXV. WAILETH 



FOR 



PAGE 
1 

4 

7 
10 
12 
14 
16 
19 
21 
23 
25 
27 
29 
3i 
34 
37 
39 
42 
44 
46 
49 
51 

54 
56 

5S 



Vlll CONTENTS. 

PAQB 

XXVI. " CHANGES HIS BASE" 60 

XXVII. HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT . . 62 

XXVIII. PREACHES ....... 65 

XXIX. SUBMITS A PLAN FOR THE SALVATION OF THE 

DEMOCRATIC PARTY 68 

XXX. TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW . . . .70 

XXXI. COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS 72 

XXXII. TRIES AN EXPERIMENT 75 

XXXIII. ESTABLISHES AFRICAN SLAVERY . . .77 

XXXIV. PREACHES — SUBJECT, '' THE PKODYGAL SUN'' . 80 
XXXV. DREAMS 83 

XXXVI. HIS LETTER ON FREMONT's NOMINATION . .86 

XXXVII. SONNIT ONTO A SOLJER — FRUM A DIMMEKRATIC 

STAN-PINT 88 



THE NASBY PAPERS 



ON NEGEO EMIGEATIO:^'. 

There is now 15 niggers, men, wimin and childern, or ruther, 
mail, femail; and yung, in Wingert's Corners, and yisterday 
another arrove. I am bekomin alarmed, fer ef they inkreese 
at this rate, in suthin over sixty yeres they'll hev a majority 
in the town, and may, ef they git mene enuiF, tyrannize over 
us, even ez we air tyrannizin over them. The danger is 
imminent ! Alreddy our poor white inhabitans is out uv em- 
ployment to make room fer that nigger — even now our shops 
and factories is full uv that nigger, to the grate detriment uv 
a white inhabitant who hez a family 2 support, and our Poor 
Hows and Jail is full uv him. 

I imploar the peeple to wake up. Let us hold a mass 
meetin to take this subgik in2 considerashen, and that biznis 
may be expeditid, I perpose the adopshen uv a serez uv Pre- 
amble and Eezolooshens, suthin like the follerin, to-wit : 

Wareas, We vew with alarm the ackshun uv the Presy- 
dent uv the U. S.^ in recommendin the immejit emansipashun 
uv the slaves uv our misgidid Suthern brethrin, and his 
evident intenshun uv kolonizin on em in the North, and the 
heft on em in Wingert's Corners^ and 

Wareas, In the event uv this immigrashun, our fellow 
townsman, Abslum Kitt, and uthers, hooz familis depend 

B 



2 THE NASB^ PAPERS. 

upon thare laber fer support, wood be throde out uv employ- 
ment, and 

Wareas, "Wen yoo giv a man a boss, yoo air obleegd to 
also make him a present uv a silver platid harnis and a ^350 
buggy, so ef we let tbe nigger live here we air in dooty bound 
to let him vote, and to marry him off-hand, and 

Ware AS, Wen this stait uv affares arrivs, our kentry will 
be no fit plais fer men uv edjucashen and refinement, and 

Wareas, Eny man hevin the intellek uv a brass-mountid 
ackass, kin eesily see that the 2 races want never intendid to 
liv together, and 

Wareas, Bein in the magority we kin do ez we please, 
and ez the nigger aint no vote he kant help hisself, therefore 
be it 

Eesolved, That the crude, un-deodorizd Afrikin is a dis- 
gustin obgik, 

Eesolved, That this Convenshun, wen it hez it« feet 
washed, smells sweeter ner the Afrikin in his normal condi- 
shun, and is ther4 his sooperier. 

Eesolved, That the niggers be druv out uv Wingert's 
Corners, and that sich property ez they may hev akkumulatid 
be konfistikatid, and the proseeds applide to the follerin pur- 
posis, to wit : 

Payment uv the bills uv the last Dimekratik Centre! 
Kommittee. 

Payment uv the disintrestid patriots ez got up this 
meetin. . 

The balens to remane in my hands. 

Eesolved, That the Ablishnists who oppose these Eesolu- 
shens all want to marry a nigger. 

Eesolved, That Dr. Petts, in rentin a part uv his bildin 
to niggers, hez struck a blow at the veiy foundashens uv 
sosiety. 

Fello whites, arowz ! The inemy is onto us ! Our 
harths is in dano-er ! Wen we hev a nipfo^er fer Judge — 



ON NEGRO EMIGHATION. 3 

niggers fer Teechers — niggers in pulpits — wen niggers rool 
and controle sosiety, trien will yoo I'em ember this warnin ! 

■ Arowse to-wunst ! Eally agin Conway ! Eally agin 
Sweet ! Eally agin Hegier ! Eally agin Hegler's family ! 
Eally agin tlie porter at the Eeecl House ! Eally agin the 
cook at the Crook House ! Eally agin the nigger wiclder in 
Vance's addishun ! Eally agin ]\Iissis Umstid ! Eally agin 
Missis Umstid's childern by her first husband ! Eally agin 
Missis Umstid's childern by her sekkund husband ! Eally 
agin all the rest uv Missis Umstid's childern ! Eally agin the 
nigger that kum yisterday ! Eally agin the saddle-kulurd 
girl that yoost 2 be hear ! Ameriky fer white men ! 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 



THE NASBY PAPEKS. 



HAS AN INTEEVIEW WITH VALLANDIGHAM. 

Washinton, 
Joon the 1st, '62. 

I AM in Wasliinton. I stand under the shadder uv tlie 
tempel uv Liberty, and am reposin my weery lims in the 
kool shades uv Fredum. But I can't reelize that this is the 
saim Washinton I yoost 2 visit. I yoost to go from Pennsil- 
vany to the kappytle wunst a yere to git my stock uv Dimo- 
crisy recrootid, and to find out wat we v\'uz expectid to bleeve 
doorin the kumin yere, thus gettin full 6 munths ahed uv my 
nabers. I wuz wunst electid gustis uv the peese in Berks 
county, by knoin needy a yeer in advanse Avat we wuz to vote 
fer that ortum. They thot Nasby wuz a smart man. 

2 resoom. This is not the Washinton that wunst I 
knode. Our kappytle is now a Ablishn kamp. The brite 
sun reflex glittrin raze frum shinin baynets — the ere is horri- 
fide with the rumble uv kannon wheels, and the iren-shod 
war-steed klatterz on the stony street. The slaiv-pens, 
them proud moniments uv the sooperiority of the Angio- 
Sacksun race, hez bin swep away, and with them the heft uv 
the Dimocrisy. ! my kountry ! Wher is Tooms, and 
Yancy, and Wigfall ] The lofty domes uv the kappytle don't 
re-ekko no moar 2 ther sole-inspirin voisis. Ez I refiek that 
these pillers uv Dimocrisy aint hear, and wat is w^uss that they 
■dassent kum here — that these place that knode em wunst 
will kno em no moar furever, my manly buzzum throbs with 
sorrer, and my prowd form is bowed in anguish. O thow fell 
sperit uv Abolishnizm, thow hast much 2 anser fer — mucher 
than thow kanst anser. Wood that I cood heve thee owt uv 



HAS AN /INTERVIEW WITH VALLANDIGHAM. 5 

these sakricl precinks, and with gentil stranes woo back then 
ez we hev lost. Avaiit thow grim and nasty cuss — my 
stumick heeves wheneer I think uv thee. 

2 resoom. I kum hear to see Vallandygum — I huntid 
him lip, and last nite we mingled our goys and sorrers in a 
talk that lasted 2 ours. We hed a bottle uv koncentratid 
kontentment, and after disposin uv a suffishensy thereof, 
Vallandygum commenst : — 

" Nasby/' sez he, " we're in a fix." 

"Vallandygum," sez I, "to wich do yoo elude — our dis- 
tractid kountry V 

" j^ary," sez he, " I wuz a speekin uv my&elf, and the rest 
uv us. Them's my kountry." 

" Sagashus man," sez I, ^^youmrite. Politerkilly we're ez 
bad off ez our friends in Fort Warin is personally — we're in 
a tite place." 

" Yes," sez he, " and we must git out. We must carry 
Ohio this ortum." 

"Certingly," sez I, ^^but howT 

'' I hev," sez he, '' the plan uv the campane fixt. Fustly, 
we must oppose the holesail votin by niggers." 

"But," sez I, "no niggers votes in Ohio." 

" Nasby," sez he, a puttin his thum to his nose, " a man 
uv straw is the eeziest knockt down, especially of yoo hev set 
him up yerself fer the perpus uv knockin uv him do^y^. 
Secondly, the immense emygrashen uv niggers into Ohio 
must be prohibytid." 

"But," sez I, ''no niggers air comin, er hev any noshuu 
uv comin in2 Ohio." 

'' 3rdly," sez he, "the alarmin amalgamashun uv the races 
must be prohibbytid." 

" But," sez I, '• ther's no amalgamashen north uv the Ohio 
river." 

" 4thly," sez he, " the idee uv allowin the nigger to stand 
on a equality with the whites, must be squelcht." 



6 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

" But," sez I, '' noboddy wants 'em to be our ekals." 

^' 5tbly," sez he, ^' no nigger must ever be allowd to Lev 
offis in Ohio." 

" But," sez I, /^ nobody wants the nigger to hev offis,'' 

"Never mind, Nasby," sez he, '^nigger is our trump card 
— we must lead off with it. Taxes is a good dodge, fer no 
man hkes to pay taxes, and we must work em up on that. 
After nigger, compromise is our best holt. Ef by a fair, 
ekitable compromise — " 

" To- wit, givin our Suthern brethren all they want," mur- 
mered I — 

"We kin end this unnateral war," continued he, "wich 
hez tored up the foundashens uv Lberty, and rent the proud 
old Dimekratik party in twain — " 

"Into 2 twains," sighd I, like a ekoin zephyr. 

" And reskoo the guverment from the jobbers and speku- 
laters who now controle it, and put it into the hands uv pure 
men — " 

" Sech ez Floyd, and Bright, and we," sejestid I, smilin 
sweetly. 

" Then," continnerd he, a wettin his lips at the mouth uv 
the bottle, "we will not hev labered in vain. To do this 
and bring back the fraternal feelins uv yoar, this bluddy war 
must cease. Oh, Kasby, the dimekratik staits is being 
invadid, the homes uv our Suthern brethren is bein violatid, 
ther niggers and household gods is bein torn from em, and 
onless we kin stand between em and rooin, will they, wen 
peese is restored, take us back and give us the politikle crums 
they cant use ? Nary." 

It wuz past 3 o'clock, wen I partid from that trooly grate 
man. He give me a gineral outline uv the plans uv the con- 
fedrits, and red me letters he hed reseevd from Tooms, Davis, 
•et settry. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 



ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE. 



ni. 

ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE. 

Columbus, 0., 

June the 21, '62. 

I wuz onto my way to Columbus to attend the annooal 
gatherin uv the fatheful at that city, a dooty I hev religusly 
performed fer over 30 yeres. Ther wuz but wun seet vakent 
in the car, and onto that I sot down. Presently a gentleman 
carryin uv a karpit bag, sot down beside me, and we to- 
wunst commenst conversashen. After discussin the crops, 
the wether, et settry, I askt wher he resided. 

" In Oberlin," sez he. 

" Oberlin!" shreekt I. '*' Oberlin ! wher Ablishnism runs 
rampant — wher a nigger is 100 per cent better ner a white 
man — wher a mulatto is a obgik uv pitty on account uv 
hevin white blood. Oberlin ! that stonest the Dimekratik 
prophets, and woodent be gathered under Vallandygum's 
wings as a hen kawk gathereth chickens, at no price — 
Oberlin, that gives all the profits uv her college to the support 
uv the underground ralerode — " 

*^ But," sez he. 

"Oberlin," continyood I, *'that reskoos niggers, and sets 
at defians the benifisent laws fer takin on em back to their 
kind and hevenly-minded masters — Oberlin — " 

"My jentle frend," sez he, "Oberlin don't do nuthin uv 
ithe kind. Yoo've bin misinformed. Oberlin respex the laws, 
and hez now a body uv her galyent sons in the feeld a fightin 
to manetane the Constooshn," 



5 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

"A figlitin to maintane tbe Constooshn," retartid I. 
" My frend" (and I spoke impressively), '' no Oberlin man is 
a doin any sich thing. Oberlin never fit for no Constoosbn. 
Oberlin commenst this war, Oberlin wuz tbe prime cause uv 
all tbe trubble. Wat wuz tbe beginnin uv it. Our Sutbrin 
bretbrin wantid tbe territories — Oberlin objectid. Tbey 
wantid Kansas fer tber blessid instoosbn — Oberlin agin 
objecks. Tbey sent colonies with muskits and sich, to bold 
tbe terrytory — Oberlin sent 2 thowsand armed with Bibles 
and Sharp's rifles — two instooshns Dimocrisy cood never 
stand afore — and druv em out. Tbey wantid Breckinridge 
fer President — Oberlin refused and elektid Linkin. Then 
they seceded, and why is it that they still bold out ?" 

He made no anser. 

^* Becoz," continyood I, transfixin him with my pene- 
tratin gaze, " Oberlin won't submit. We mite 2-day bev 
peese, ef Oberlin wood say to Linkin, * Eesine !' and to GefT 
Davis, ^ Come up higher T When I say Oberlin, understand 
it 62 figgerative fer tbe entire Ablishn party, uv wich Oberlin 
is tbe fountin bed. There's wher the trubble is. Our Sutbern 
brethren wuz reasonable. So long ez tbe dimocrisy controld 
things, and they got all they wanted, they wuz peeceable. 
Oberlin ariz — tbe dimocrisy wuz beet down, and they riz up 
agin it." 

Jest eggsactly 80 -six yeres ago, akordin to Jayneses 
almanac, a work wich I perooz annually with grate delite, the 
Amerykin Eagle (whose portrate any wun who possessis a 5 
cent peece kin behold), wuz born, the Goddis uv Liberty 
bein its mutber, tbe Spirit uv Freedom its sire^ Tomas Geffer- 
son actin ez physician on tbe occasion. The proud bird 
growd ez tho it slept on guano — its left wing dipt into the 
Pasific, its rite into tbe Atlantic, its beek thretened Kanady, 
while his magestik tale cast a shadder ore tbe Gulf. Sich 
wuz the Eagle up to March, '61. Wat is bis condishn now? 
His bed hangs, his tale droops, ther's no strength in his 



ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE. V 

talons. Wat's the trubble? Oberlin. He bed bin fed on 
nigger fer yeres, and bed tjhrived on the diet. Oberlin got 
the keepin uv him — she withholds his nateral food — and onless 
Oberlin is whaled this fall, down goes the Eagle. 

Petkoleum V. Nasby. 



10 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



lY. 

SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD XOT BE DEAFTED. 

August 6, 1862. 

I SEE in tlie papers last nite, that the Gcverment hez insti- 
tooted a draft, and that in a jTew weeks, sum hunderds uv 
thousands uv peeseable citizens will be dragged to the tented 
feeld. I know not wat uthers may do, but ez fer me, I can't 
go. UjDon a rigid eggsaminashen uv my fizzlekle man, I 
find it wood be wus ner madnis fer me 2 undertake a cam- 
pane, to-wit : 

1. I'm bald-headid^ and hev bin obliged to ware a wig 
these 22 yeres. 

, 2. I hev dandruff in wat scanty hair still hangs around 
my venerable temples. 

3. I hev a chronic katarr. 

4. I hev lost, sence Stanton's order to draft, the use uv 
wun eye entirely, and hev cronic inflammashen in the other. 

5. My teeth is all unsound, my palit aint eggsactly rite, 
and I hev hed bronkeetis 31 yeres last Joon. At present I 
hev a koff, the paroxisms uv which is friteful 2 behold. 

G. I'm holler-chestid, am short-winded, and hev alluz hed 
panes in my back and side. 

7. I am afliictid with kronic diarrear and kostivniss. 
The money I hev paid fer Jayneses karminnytiv balsam and 
pills wood astonish almost ennybody. 

8. I am rupcherd in 9 places, and am entirely enveloped 
with trusses. 

9. I hev verrykose vanes, hev a white swellin on ^van leg 



SHOWS Y>'HY HE SHOULD NOT BE DRAFTED. 11 

and a fever sore on the uther — also wun leg is shorter than 
tother, though I handle it so expert that noboddy never 
noticed it. 

10. I hev korns and bunyons on both feet, wich wood 
prevent me from marchin. 

I dont suppose that my political opinions, which are 
ferninst the prossekooshn uv this unconstooshnel war, wood 
hev any wate with a draftin orfiser, but the above reesons 
why I cant go, will, I maik no doubt, be suffishent. 

Petkoleum Y. jSTasby. 



12 THE NASBY PAPEKS. 



m CANADA. 

Brest, KanadaWest, 

August 20, 18G2. 

After more advencliers than wood fill a book, I am here in 
Kanada, safe under the protectin tail uv the British Lion, 
where no draftin orfiser kin molest nor make me afraid. 
Halleloogy ! 

I never shood hev taken this step, or ruther, the succeshun 
uv steps that brot me here, hed a good, sound, constooshnel 
doctor bin appinted Medical Eggsaminer, fer I hev twict ez 
menny diseases ez wood hev eggsemptid me, but I wuz afeerd 
the Eggsaminer woodent see em, ez he aint much uv a phy- 
sician anyhow, besides, he votes the Union tickit, and hez, uv 
coarse, prejudisis. The Commissioner is a goory Ablishnist, 
and besides I owe him a store bill wich hez stood about 8 
years. I protest agin all sich appintments. 

I left in company with 5 other invalids, wun nite a little 
after the "witchin hour uv 12 M,,'' ez Shakspeer hez it, and 
any wun beholdin our faces wood hev bin satisfide that sum 
" church-yard yawned" jest previously. We traveld all nite, 
"sustaned and soothed by an unfaltrin trust" in a bottle 
which I, with my usual 4site, took along, together with 2 and 1 
third yards uv bolony sassige, which I alluz use ez a thirst- 
provoker. We met no interrupshen till we got within 5 
miles uv Toledo (which we did by 5 P.M., uv the next day, 
wich permit me to remark, was good travelin fer sich debilly- 
tatid cusses), when we wuz stopt by a pickit gard uv the 



IN CANADA. " 13 

"Anti-draftin Invalid League," who remarkt, "Who goze 
there?" "A invalid," sez I. "A Peece invalid," sez he. 
" Ther aint no other kind," sez I ; whereupon sez he, *^ yoor 
a man uv sence," a fact uv wich I hed bin long aware. I 
presentid my liqwid consiliater, when he informed me that 
Toledo wuz closely watcht, that escape by steemer was im- 
possible, and that a small bote was our only chance. He 
took us to the lake shore, furnisht us a bote, and jest as the 
golden sun wuz a sinkin behind the golden horizon I bid my 
nativ land adoo. 

I need not dwell upon the perils uv that terrible passage. 
Suffice it 2 say that, fer invalids, we rowed well, and finally 
landed at the little village uv Brest, wher we now air. 

200 Peece men are here, and I must acknowledge that 
we are not treeted with that distinguished consideration 
usually accordid political eggsiles. Fer instance at the tavern 
where I board, the parler is partikelerly plesent, and I wuz a 
.",ettin into it. In trips a girl, purty enufF fer a man whose 
taste was not vishiatid 2 eat. " Shel I shet down this 
window, sir f sez she, '' Why shet it down, jentle maid V 
retorts I, lookin sweet onto her. " Because," replide she, " I 
thot, perhaps, the deaft was too much fer ye." A few 
slavish Kanajens who set there, laft. The landlord required 
a month's pay in advance, and a further deposit uv 25 cents 
per eggsile, as sekoority fer the pewter spoons, w^ich we hev 
at table. To cap the climacks, last nite a big nigger was put 
into eech uv our rooms, and we were forced to sleep with em, 
or okkepy the floor, vrich I did. The cussid nigger laft all 
nite, in a manner trooly aggravatin to hear. 

PeTEOLEUM V. iN'ASBY. 

P.S. — Tell my wife to send sich money as she earns to 
me, as livin is high, and ther aint no tick. The township kin 
support her and the childern. 



14 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



VI. 
IS FINALLY DRAFTED. 

Ca^ip uv the 778th Ohio Kidnapt Melisey, 
Toledo, Oct. the 37, 1862. 

I AM here, clad in the garb uv slaivry ! Nasby, clothed 
in a bobtailed bloo coat, a woolin shirt and bloo pants, with 
a Oysteran muskit in his hands, a goin thro the exercise ! 
Good hevings ! wat a spectacle ! 

The draft was over, and I thot that wunst more I'd visit 
my native land. Gaily I stept abord the bote that was to 
carry me from British shores — gaily I say, fer my money hed 
given out some weeks afore, and I hed earned a precarious 
subsistence a-sawin wood in pardnership with a disgustin 
mulatto, and I lookt forwerd with goyful antisepashens to 
the time when I shood agen embrace Looizer Jane (the pard- 
ner uv my buzzum), and keep my skin perpetooally full uv 
the elickser uv life, out uv her washin money. Goyfully I 
sprang off the bote onto the wharf at Toledo, when a hevy 
hand was laid onto my shoulder. Twas a soljer ! The fol- 
lerin conversashen ensood : 

" Wat wantest th ow, my jentle friend f 

"I want yoo, my gay Kanajen." 

" On wat grounds ?" retordid I. 

" On the ground uv eloodin uv the draft," sez he. 

" Yoor mistaken," sez I, ^^ I'm a ablishnist — a emissary. 
I liev bin a spredin the bred uv life among the poor kulerd 
brethrin in Kanady, and am jest returnin to run thro another 
lot. Let me pass I entreat thee,* nor stay me in my good 
work." (This wuz strategy.) 



IS FINALLY DKAFTED. 15 

^^ N"ot much," sez he. " I know better. Yoor a butter- 
nut." 

'^ How knowst thou ?" sez I. 

'' Yoor nose/' sez he. " That bucheus beekun lite wuz 
never got out uv spring water." 

'' Yoor knowledge uv men and things is too much fer me. 
I confess and surrender at discreshun — do with me ez thou 
wilt." 

And he did. I wuz led out to camp, and wuz allowd 
to volunteer to fite against my convickshens — against my 
brethren, who hev taken up arms in a right ous coz. So be 
it. Hentz4th the naim uv ISTasby will shine in the list uv 
marters. 

Amid the dark^ deep gloom that envellups me, wun ray 
uv light strikes me. I hev seen the eleckshun returns, and 
wen I seed em I yelled Hallelogy ! Me and another victim 
uv Linkin's tyranny, who is a Dimekrat (he wuz a postmaster 
under Bookannon, and wen removed by Linkin dident give 
up the balance uv money he hed on hand, fearin twood be 
used to subvert our free instooshns), hed a jubilee. We 
smuggled a bottle uv condenst ekstasy, and celebratid muchly. 
"The ISTorth's redeemed !" showtid I. " Let the Eagle screme 1" 
yelled he. " The Quakers have votid !" showtid I. " Ablish- 
nism dead!" screemed he. "Dimocrisy's triumphed!" laft 
I, and so on, until after midnite, when, completely eggsaustid, 
we sank into slumber, with a empty bottle atween us. 

Petroleum Y. Nasby. 

P. S. — Tell Looizer Jane that I may never see her again 
— that shood it be my fate 2 perish on the battle-feeld, amid 
the rore uv battle and the horrors uv missellaneous carnage, 
my last thot, ez life ebbs slowly away, shel be uv her, and ask 
her ef she can't send me half or three-quarters uv the money 
she gits fer washin, ez whisky costs fritefully here. 

P. V. N. 



16 THE NASBY PAPErvS. 



VII. 

DESEETS— HIS EXPERIENCE IN CLOTHES. 

Camp rv the Looisiana Pelicans, 
Isovemler the ], 1862. 

I HEV deserted, and am now a soljer uv the Confederacy. 
Jest ez soon ez our regiment struck Sutlmn sile, I made up 
my mind that my bondage wuz drawin to a close — that I 
wood seeze the fust oppertoonity uv escapin to my nateral 
friends the soljers uv the sunny south. Nite before last I 
run the gard, wuz shot at twice (reseevin two buck-shot jest 
below the hind buttons uv my coat), but by eggstrordinary 
luck I escaped. Had infantry bin sent after me, I shood hev 
bin taken, for I am not a fast runner, but the Commandent 
uv the Post v/uz new at the biznis, and innosently sent 
cavalry. Between the hossis they rode, and the stoppin to 
pick up them ez coodent stick onto ther flyin steeds, I hed 
no difficulty in outrunnin em. 

At last I encounterd the pickits uv the Looisiana Pelicans, 
and givin myself up ez a deserter from the hordes uv the 
tyrant Linkin, wuz to wunst taken afore the Kernel. I must 
say in this conneckshun that I wuz surprised at the style uv 
uniform worn by the Pelicans. It consists uv a hole in the 
sect uv the pants, with the tale uv the shirt a wavin grace- 
fully therefrom. The follerin colloquy ensood : 

" To what regiment did yoo belong?" 

« 776th Ohio." 

" Volunteer er draftid V^ 

" Draftid." 



DESERTS — HIS EXPERIEXCE IN CLOTHES. 17 

" Yoor name ?" 

^•' Nasby, Petroleum Y/' 

I notist all this time the Kernel -wuz eyein my clothes 
wistfully. I had jest drawd em and they wuz bran new. 
Sez the Kernel : 

" Mr. Nasby I reseeve yoo gladly ez a recroot in the grand 
army uv Freedom. Ez yoo divest yoorself uv the clothes uv 
the tyrant, divest yerself uv watever lingrin affecshuns you 
may hev fer the land uv yer nativity, and ez yoo array yerself 
in the garb uv a Suthrin soljer, try to fill yer sole with that 
Suthrin feelin that any mates us all. Jones/' sed he, addressin 
his Orderly, " is Thompson dead yit ?" 

'^ ISTot quite/' sez the Orderly. ' 

" Never mind/' sez the Kernel, " he can't git well uv that 
fever ; strip off his uniform and give it to Nasby, and berry 
him/' 

I judgd from the style uv the uniforms I saw on the 
men around me, that I wood rather keep my own, but I sed 
nothin. When the Orderly returned with the deceest Thomp- 
son's uniform, I groaned innardly. There wuz a pare uv 
pants with the seat entirely torn away, and wun leg gone 
below the knee, a shoe with the sole off, and the straw he had 
wrapped around the other foot, and a gray woolen shirt. Sez 
the Kernel : 

*' Don't be afeerd uv me Nasby. Put on yer uniform rite 
here." 

Eeluctantly I pulled off my new dubble-soled boots, and 
I wuz petrified to see the Kernel kick off the slippers he wore, 
and pull em on. I pulled off my pants — he put em on, and 
so on with every article uv dress I possest, even to my warm 
overkote and blankit. Sez the Kernel : 

" These articles, Nasby, belongs to the Guvment, to which 
I shel akount fer them. Eeport yoorself to-wunst to Capt. 
Smith." 

Ez I passed out, the Lootenant-Kernal, Majer and Ajitent 

c 



18 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

pulled me to wun side, and askt me " ef I coodent git three 
more to desert." Wun glanse at ther habillyments showd 
why. they wuz so anxious fer deserters. 

I candidly confess that Linkin takes better care uv his 
soljers than Davis does. The clothin I hev described. Instid 
uv reglar rashens we are allowed to eat jest whatever we kin 
steal uv the planters, and ez mite be expected we hev becum 
wonderfully expert at pervidin, but ez the Pelicans hev bin 
campt here three months, the livin is gittin thin. Yet a man 
kin endoor almost any thing fer principle. 

PETEOLEUii V. IS'aSBY. 



CAPTURES A TUEKEY. 19 



CAPTUEES A TUEKEY. 

Ca3IP UV the LoOISIANA PELICA^'S, 

Nov. the 15, 1562. 

Xasby still liveS; tlio I must say its rayther tite nippin. The 
servis uv the Siithrin Confedricy wood be ez pleasant ez any 
military life cood be, ^Yere it not for three things to-wit : 

1. We Lev nothin to eat. ^ 

2. Our clothes is designed more for ornament than use, 
consistin cheefly uv holes with rags around em — an appro- 
priate summer costoom^ but rayther airy for this season. 

3. Our pay is irregelar, and not jest ez good in quality ez 
cood be wished. 

Fer instance. Our regiment hazzent reseevd a cent for 8 
months, and ther wuz much grumblin wich cum to the ears 
uv the Kernel. 

^•The men murmur do they," sed he to his Ajitent. 
" Their complaints is just, and they shel be paid their just 
dooze. Is ther a printin offis in the town ?" 

" Ther is," retorts the Ajitent. 

" Go take possession uv it in the name uv the Confedrit 
States and seeze watever paper he my hev on hand. The 
faithful Pelicans must be paid." 

The next day every wun uv the men hed his haversack 
stufft with money, each wun takin ez much ez he judgd he 
cood use. It does very well except that it gives the grocery 
keepers much trouble, as they take it by weight — a ^1 bein 
wuth ez much ez a ^20, ceptin that the ^20 is a trifle the 
largest, and weighs more. 



20 THE XASBY PAPERS. 

A incident. I wuz out on pikkit dooty, in tlie immejit 
visinnity uv a planter's barn, who hed been suspectid. uv 
Unionism. I saw a turkey, capchered it, and indulged all 
the way into camp into the pleasant idee that, fer the first 
time in two months, I wood hev a stumic-distendin dinner. 
Ez I entered camp I met the Kernel, who, ez his eagle eye 
caught the proud bird I held, spoke, sayin ; 

" Ha ! a turkey. Wher gottist thou him ?" 

"I capcherd him at Johnson's," replied I. 

^^ Fat and young," mused he, feelin uv him, and then 
lookin up thus he did say : " My venerable patriot" (he al- 
looded to my gray hairs), '^ this bird belonged to a Union 
man, and all sich property taken by the army belongs, uv 
coarse, 2 the Goverment. Yoo will 4th with take it my 
quarters." 

]N'ot hevin eaten any thing fer 18 hours, I determined 
to make vv^un effort for my turky. Sez I, "Admittin the 
bird belongs to the Goverment," sez I, " I may retane him, 
I suppose, by payin his valyoo," and I tendered him a hand- 
ful uv the money we hed reseevd that mornin. 

^•Not so fast, my aged hero," sed he, "the Guverment 
needs turj:eys more than it does money. Money we kin 
make, but yoo must be aware, that without a material alter- 
ashen in our anatomikle structure the makin uv a turkey by 
us is a impossibility. Leave the property at my quarters." 

^ yF ^ * ^ ^ 

That nite I passed the Kernel's quarters. There wuz a 
sound uv revelry within, and the odor uv a Thanksgivin dinner 
assaild my nostrils. The next mornin I saw the Kernel's 
dorg a chawin the bones uv that Goverment turkey. 

Petroleum V. Nasby. 



IMPEOVES HIS FOBTUNES BY MAREIAGE. 21 



IX. 

IMPEOVES HIS FOETUNES BY MAEEIAGE. 

Camp vy the Looisiana Pelicans 
November the 11, 18G2. ^ 
I AM here aud mizrable ! 

I am not less than 213 per cent more mizrable nor I 
used to be ! 

I consoomd 2 hours uv the Suthrin Confedracy's time, 
and a 12 foot board, assertainin the eggsact increese uv misery 
^vich I am engoyin. AYith the above result. 

Wen I wuz draftid I wuz not particuL.rly dissatisfied. 
My posishen wuz becomin precarious. Looizer Jane (the 
\yife uv my buzm) had cut off my supplies, and wuz a wastin 
the money she reseevd fer washin, on bread and clothes fer 
the childern, and misunderstandins and coolnisses ensood. I 
whaled her in the afternoon when she wuz tired, and she 
whaled me in the mornin, when she wuz fresh. Had I expen- 
did the energy and strength consoomd in wlialin Looizer Jane 
in choppin cord -wood, I mite hev ownd a farm. I then tried 
the credit system, but the unamity with wich the bar-keepers'*^ 
all remarkt that "that thing wuz played out/' wuz trooly 
surprisin to the undersined. 

Knowin that I cood at eny time desert to my Suthren 
frends, I felt satisfied at bein draftid. Sence my enrollment 
in the ranks uv the Pelicans, the romance uv the thing hez 
departid. Nothin 2 eat, nothin to wear, no money, and hard 
work. This is our fix. The plump, rosy Nasby is no more 
— anserin 2 his name is a lean indiviggooal, upon whose nose 
a bullet cood be split. 



22 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

I determined to better myself by marriage. The idee wuz 
sejestid by our second corpral, who interdoost me 2 a widder 
lady who lived jest out uv town — the owner uv 2 thousand 
akers. The akers inspired me, and I prest my soot with vig- 
ger and arder. In a week the thing wuz dun. I caught the 
regimental chaplin sober enuff wun nite, and we wuz 
married. 

Fer a day I wuz a haypy man. I contemplatid my plan- 
tashen and wept teers uv goy. Suddenly my happinis bustid. 
The Sargent informed me that my wife — the future sharer uv 
my goys and sorrers — wuz a octoroon, one 8th nigger ! — 
that she wuz a slave left in charge by her mistress, and that 
the corpral did it jest fer a goak ! A purty goak to play 
upon a Dimekrat ! Nasby marryin a jN'igger ! 

My views hev changed on the slavery question. Amalga- 
mashen is the cuss uv slavery. The blacks hev bleached and 
bleached, until it is almost impossible to distinguish the slave 
from his owner. Wen the mix becomes wuss, wat then? 
Wen the slave is ez white ez his master, wat are yoo goin to 
do ? Slavery, like a man with a tape-worm, hez within itself 
the elements nessessary to its destruction. Amalgamashen is 
the tape-worm uv slavery. ^ 

Petroleum V. Nasby. 



CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHEEN SOLDIER. - 23 



X. 

CONVERSES WITH A SOUTHERN SOLDIER. 

Camp ut the Looisiana Pelicans, 
December the 11, 1862. 

I HED a conversashen tother day with a fellow- defender uv 
the rites uv the South, wich ruther startled me. I wuz a 
holding 4th with my yoosual ability on the blessidnis uv sla- 
very, and wuz, uv coarse, quotin hevy frum skripter to defend 
my position, A member uv our company interruptid me by 
remarkin that Nacher hed spiled a great rascal in me, by not 
contribbitin a sufEshent amount uv brains. He continued his 
remarks : 

"Nasby," sez he, "I know slavry is a cuss — a onmittyga- 
tid cuss. I hed 18 niggers and they kept me as poor as a skim 
milk cheese. The hogs eat the corn, the niggers eat the 
hogs, and I lived on what they left. To defend my property 
in these niggers we seceshed and startid a new Guvment. 
The new Guvment took the corn, the hogs, the niggers, and 
finally took me. My oldest dawter run off with wun defender 
uv the flag, my wife with another, and my youngest childern 
is livin with sum niggers 2 old fer the Guverment to take. 
I've had my share uv rites, I hev. Ef there's any more comin 
to me, give em to some poor person as needs em. I'm jest 
more'n rollin in a perfooshn uv that kind uv wealth." 

"But," sezi— 

"Ther aint no buts," sez he. '* Yoo're a Northern man, 
and don't hev niggers. Don't defend nigger. Ef I hev the 
itch I may sware that itch is a good thing, but wat sence is 



24 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

ther in yoor swarin it onasked and fer nothin. Secli stratejy 
borders closely on lunacy. Let us squeeze our own biles ~ 
don't yoo do it gratooitous. Appolygize fer yer own sins — 
don't shoulder ourn. I may be mean for my own profit, but 
to act dirty fer another man's use, and hev him kick ye fer 
doin it, is a lick ahead uv my comprehenshun. Durn all sech 
men." 

And he stawkt indignently away. 

I hev reseevd more letters from frends in my wunst happy 
but now distractid home than I kin anser separately. I shel 
do it all to-wunst, thus : 

John M. — Shoemakin would be a splendid biznis here, 
only ther aint no leather. Practice haff-solin with straw be- 
fore you start. 

W. G. — The pay uv a member uv the Mississippi Legisla- 
ter is ^6 per diem, evry day, paid in Confedrit 30 per cent 
bonds, redeemable at the pleasure uv the Guvment any time 
within two centuries. Come along. Almost any body kin 
git ofEs in this state. 

P. N. — Ther is a good openin fer a "Watchmaker here, I 
am the only mechanic in this section uv Mississippy. I 
fixt the Kernel's watch, yisterday — forged a mane-spring out 
uv a baynet, and fer a chane used a fiddle-string. It don't 
jest keep time, but ez it ticks it ansers to bet on poker. 
Fetch sum lard ile — tar won't work on watches even in this 
warm climate. 

Amos. — The success uv our Guvment is shoor. Finances 
hez trubbled us, but our Sekretary uv the Treasury hez 
bought 2 fast printin presses, and a lot up a paper on tick, 
and we now git all we want. 

Petroleum V. Nasby. 



AT HOME. 



XI. 

AT HOME. 

WiNGERT'S CORNEES, 

Feb. 27, 'C3. 

A MAN who duz tilings frum prinsipple kin stand a good 
deal. I kin. Sustaned and sootlied by an nnfaltrin trust in 
the rychusnis uv the Suthrin coz, I stuck to my beluvd 
rejyment, the Loozeaner Pelikins^ with a tenassity wich I did 
not dreme I possest. But ther is a pint beyond wich human 
nacher can not go. I endoord hunger and cold — I saw the 
rags drop off my muskeler limbs wun by wun — I murmered 
not. But, wen the pataloons wuz awl gone — wen my costoom 
wus a blanket and wun shoe — I applide fer new pants, and 
the Quartermaster onfeelinly remarkt that my dress wuz all 
rite ; that hereafter my costoom wuz to be adoptid ez the 
uniform uv the rejyment — I felt that desershun wuz no 
longer a crime, and I deserted. It is entirely onnessary to 
rekount awl I endoored in makin my eskaip. Suffice it to 
say that at Columbus I stript the klose ofi uv an innebryatid 
solger, and maid my way to Amanda township. My old 
Demokratlc friends did not kno me, and ez I expected to 
borry money uv them I deemed it best not to make myself 
knone. 

They were suspishus uv my bloo kote, at fust, until 
wun uv them remarkt how I likd the serviss ? 

To wich I anserd, "Dam the serviss !" 

" Don't admire fitin fer the nigger, eh ?" 

"Not any," sez I. 



26 THE XASBY PAPERS. 

" Why not desert V^ sez he. 

"I hev deserted," sez I. 

In a instant the aspeck uv things wuz changd. A jug 
wuz prodoost, and they awl shook hands. Wun, more richer 
nor the rest, handed me a treasury note uv -^10, say in, 
'' You may need it." 

I replide that, as a general thing I wood hev nothin to do 
with any paper that bore the babboon likeness uv the usurper 
and tyrent Linkin, but under the sirkumstances I wood 
endoor it until I cood get it changd into Injeany munny. 
They took up a kollekshun to-wunst, fer my benefit, which 
amounted to ^43. 

Jest at this pint WTin uv em asked me to what rejyment I 
belonged. 

I replide the Loozeaner Pelikins. 

*• Loozeaner !" sed another, " why that's a Confedracy 
rejyment aint if?" 

*' To be sure," sez I. 

" And air yoo a deserter frum a Suthrin rejyment ?" sez 
the benevelent old butternut who bed invested ^10 in the 
deserter biznis. 

^' Sartin," sez I. 

Scezin me by the throte, he ejackelated, " Give me my 
money you swindler !" And with a unanimity trooly sur- 
prisin they awl yelled, " Give me my money you swindler — 
you got it under false pretences." 

Hevin the munny safe in my pokkit, I took these com- 
pliments with ekanimity, sidlin out and gettin away ez soon 
ez possible. 

I am disappointed in Amandy. Frum wat I had heard I 
bed supposed they were kind to deserters. I found that it 
makes much diffrense wich side you desert from. 

Petroleum Y. Xasby. 



ASSISTS DRAFT REGISTEKS. 27 



XIL 

ASSISTS DEAFT EEGISTEES. 

In the Hands uy Linkin Hieeijns, 
HosKiNYiLL, March 20, 'Go. 

I AM in durance vile. Wunst more the tree uv liberty is 
uprooted in my person — ^Yunst more hev the unrightous 
tools uv the monster Linkin seized my venerable form and 
incarceratid it in a basteel. So menny times hev I bin im- 
prisoned fer opinion's sake that ef I kin get a pardner with 
capital, I shel go into the marterin biznis. But 2 my nar- 
rashen. When the news reechd me uv the bold stand made 
by the heroes uv Hoskinvill, in opposition to the draft, I 
determined to throw myself ^* in2 the deadly and imminent 
breech," ez W. Shakspeer hez it. I made my way to Hos- 
kinville, wuz reseeved with the wildest enthoosiasm by the 
patriots ther assembled, and wuz to-wunst placed in command 
uv the forces. It wuz a prowd day fer ZsTasby ! Before me 
stood, Idaned and laid (akordin ez they hed emptied their 
canteens, wich wuz all filled with new fitin whisky), two 
hundred uv the brave sons uv Hoskinvill, from the rich, hory- 
headed farmer (uv whom I promptly borrerd 80 odd dollars)^ 
to the gay and sportive yooth uv 16, all consoomd with on- 
quenchable arder. I drilled sech uv them ez were suflfishently 
sober to keep their feet, nigh onto two days, amoozin our- 
selves into the intervals with passin resolooshens denouncin 
Linkin, and pledgin ourselves to resist even un2 death. 

At last our scouts brot us intelligence that two com- 
panies uv bloocoated hirelins wuz within 9 miles uv us 



28 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

approacliin at the rate uv wun and a half miles per hour. 
"Ha!" shoutid I, "the foe ! ^they comest ! Now men uv 
Hoskinville and visinnity, show yourselves men 1" Accord- 
inly another meetin wuz immejitly organizd, Chairman and 
Sekretary appointid, and a resolution passed, pledgin the 
meetin to resist even un2 death, the proseedins to be pub- 
lished in all the Dimekratic papers. We adjourned, and I 
wuz about drawin on em up in line uv battle, and wuz 
instructin uv em to hold the muzzle uv the gun from instid 
uv toward theirselves, when they fired, and wuz explainin to 
others the necessity uv puttin the powder down the barrel 
before the ball, and makin sech other arrangements ez a wise 
and prudent commander determined to conker or die would, 
when suthin like a dozen uv em ejakilates : 

" Gineral !" 

Drawing myself up to my full hite I anserd, " "Wat !" 

" Gineral," sez wun uv the oldest, " we are not advan- 
tajesly postid. Wood it not be better on the hill," sed he, 
pintin to a very high hill jest east uv the town. I perseeved 
at a glance the strategik importance uv the position, as the 
enemy wus approachin from the west, and I ordered the men 
to deploy by squadrons in open right file platoons, and oke23y 
the summit. Never wuz a order obeyed with greater alacrity. 
I hev a reputashen fer speed — I kin rival the courser and 
outstrip the jentle gazelle, but they shot past me like a 
arrow. Their enthoosiasm carried em to the top uv the hill, 
and how much further 1 hev no menes uv knowin, ez when I 
reached the top uv the hill not wun uv the resisters wuz in 
site. 

I wuz arrested that nite. In vain I protested that I wuz 
a Methodist preacher sellin fruit trees — my nose wich blos- 
soms ez the lobster and a copy uv the Noo York Day Book I 
hed in my pocket wuz aginst me, and I wuz to-wunst con- 
fined. i\Iy feelins is hurt. 

Petroleum V. Nasby. 



STRATEGISES. 29 



XIII, 

STEATEGISES. 

Wingeet's Coenees, 
May 15, '60. 

DiMOCRiSY hezn't ez many hobbies now ez it used to Lev, and 
it is somewhat difficult to keep the people strung up the 
proper pitch, iSTigger is all the capital we hev left, and its 
rayther tough work to keep the old machine runnin. In 
Union and Orange their blood dident bile when I told em 
that 40,000 niggers wuz on their way to that section — nary 
bile. So I hed recourse to strategy. Last Friday nite I pro- 
koored some lamp-black and lard-ile, and applyin it to my 
classic countenance, and my laber-staned hands, transformd 
myself into a villainous contraband. Then I proceedid after 
night to the south end uv the township, and at day-light com- 
menst goin north. The skeem workt beautiful. At every 
house the follerin conversashen wood ensoo : — 

*' Hello, Cuff, wher yoo from?" 

" Tennisee, massa." 

" Wher you goin ]" 

"Tse gwine to stop sum'ers 'bout heah." 

"Who sent you North r 

"Kurnel Niblin, and de ablishners ob de 21st.'* 

*'Dam Mblin and yoo too. Git !" 

Wich I alluz did. Then goin back I'd take another road, 
stealin sich trifles ez shirts and stockins, and usin sich other 
means uv arousin our people 2 a realizin sense uv the cuss uv 
a floatin nigger populashen, ez sejestid themselves to my 



30 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

mind. It became a serious thing though, fer on the fourth! 
day so many hed seen me, that they reely sposd the niggerf 
invashen had commenst, and they hunted me. I run a mile, 
and fmdin they were gainin on me, darted into the woods, 
washed, and come out ez the original ISTasby. 

Lord! what an enthoosiastic m^etin we had that night J 
Their faith in the nigger invasion hed bin shaky, but it was 
now firm. They had seen em. Wun had seen 33 that day, 
uv wich number he wuz proud to say he had killed 5. I 
larfed innardly, but held my peece. Desepshen is justifiable 
now and then. I kin do it. I only borrered ^4 in Union. 

Petroleum V. jSTasby. 



I 



ADDRESSES THE SOLDIEllS. 31 



XIY. 

ADDEESSES THE SOLDIEES. 

At a meetin uv the manejers uv the ginoowine DImocrasy, 
consistin uv the immortle J. JST. Free, the illustrious Yandal- 
cligum, and myself, it was resolved to isheo a address to the 
soljers uv the Cumberland. Vandaldigum hevin failed in the 
habus corpus biznis, is employin his spare time in amusin of 
hisself in Fort Warin, wich is near Boston, while J. N. is vig- 
gerusly marterin uv hisself fer the saik uv trooth, wich is 
ideotik. The dooty there4 devolves upon me. 

Soljers of the Cumberland : Ez individooels hevin votes, I 
esteem yoo — ez invaders uv Dimokratic States, ez men 
engaged in the slawtrin Dimocrats by the 1000, ez bloo 
koted tools uv a abolishn despotism, I can not smile on you 
approvinly. 

Sum uv you wuz Dimokrats, who, without contemplatin 
the konsekences to the party, volunteerd. Fay tie error! — 
incomprehensible stoopidity ! And I regret 2 lern that, not- 
withstandin we hev told you over and over that it is a Abo- 
lishn war, you laff at our solium warnins, and menny uv you 
hev turnd Abolishnists yureselves. 

We warned uv the evils that wood naterally foller Abo- 
lishn victoris. To show you that we proffeside correctly I 
call yure attenshun to the follerin strictly Dimokratic fact : 

Since the commensement uv the war the addishn uv niggers to 
northern Ohio hez bin ez folloze : 

Hankok 28,000 

Wood (in consekens uv bein in gim Ashlj's deestrik) 84,000 



32 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



I 



Lorane (wich is near Oberlin) 103,000 

[All uv wich is studyin fer the ministry, drawin cavelry captin's pay 
and rashens, till they gradooS, inclooding 2 white servants, each.] 

Sineky 93,000 ! 

And so on ad infinytum. These niggers are workin in 
sitooashens yoo wunst okepied. The taler shops, blaksmith 
shops, shoe shops, and stores is all filld with these noosencis 
fresh from Suthrin plantashens. So yoo see that while they 
hev seezed upon yure labor, you air taxt by a nigger-luvin 
Government to support them in idlenis. But there is moar 
fax : 

Number nv soljers wives who died iiv starvashen in 

Hankok comity, last week 1253 

Besides 1 small wooman they did not count. And all 
this time (ray blud biles when I think uv it), the entire nig- 
ger popelashen is bein fed on briled sirline stake stufft with 
oysters. 238 white men hev marrid black femails, within 2 
weeks, also 803 white wimmin to black men, all in the corpo- 
rashen uv Wingert's Corner, the Guverment payin license, 
preecher's fee, and the bridle outfit, incloodin furnytoor to^ 
start 'em howskeepin. 

It is useless to multiply instancis. You are eckspoosin 
yure lives and helth, just 2 set free a army uv shiftlis niggers, 
who wont work, and who by takin yoor plasis on the farms 
and in the workshops, will prevent yoo from ernin a onist 
livin wen yoo git back. 

Soljers, remember these things wen yoo vote this fall. 
Under Dimokratic rule, wen the Sowth roold us percisely 
as they wantid 2^ awl wuz peese. We kin hev it agin on the 
saim terms, wdth perhaps the payin uv the expensis thev have 
incurred in manetanin uv ther rites, payin penshuns 2 the 
widders uv them yu hev wikkidly slane, et settery. 

Soljers ! you kin emansipate yureselves. Shoot yer 
offisers, throw down yure arms, and cum hoam. The old 



II 
II 

1 



' ADDRESSES THE SOLDIERS. 33 

party is in clanger, and without you it'll go to rooin a canterin. 
Shel any feelin uv pride in yure country deter you frum 
comin wen yure party is in peril 1 I can not beleeve it. 

Petroleum V. Xasby. 

Fer hisself and collegues — 1 uv Loom is in a abolishn 
basteel, a studyin "Pulpit Pollytiks," aod tlie utlier a going 
round missellaneusly a marterin uv hisself. 



9 



34 TUE NASBY PAPERS. 



m 



XV. 
OEGANISES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH. 

WiNGERT'S COBNERS, 

Joon 6, 1802. 

NuTHiN hez dun so mucli agin the Dimocrisy ez churches, 
skool-houses, Sundy-skools, preachers and sich. Here, our 
people hev awoken to the dangerous tendencies uv sich in- 
stooshns, and hev set about viggerously to suppress 'em. Ez 
this work is what my hart delites in, I organized the pious 
portion uv the Dimocrisy, that we mite do our work well and 
thorough. When my jigantic inteliek hez a chance, the 
work is shoor to be well done, and I hev the satisfaction uv 
announsin the complete destruction uv two churches, the 
drivin off 5 preachers, and the frightnin uv many wimin. 

But my mission is not alone to tear down — I bild up. 
The ijee segestid itself to my fertile mind that a strikly 
Dimekratic Church and Sundy Skool wood not only help 
the cause, but afford me an easy livin. It wuz dun, and I 
am reglarly installed ez the paster uv the first Dimekratic 
Church uv Ohio. 

The follerin is the order uv exercises : 

1. People assemble at the second tootin uv the horn. 

2. Readin uv one uv the follerin passages uv Skripter : 
9th chapter uv Jennysis, wich relates the cussin uv Canaan, 
provin that niggers is Skriptoorally slaves ; and the chapters 
about Hayger and Onesimus, wich proves the Fugitive Slave 
Law to be skriptooral. (The rest uv the Bible we consider 
figgerative, and pay no attenshun to, watever.) 



ORGANISES A DEMOCRATIC CHURCH. 35 

3. Singin — " O we'll hang Abe Linkin on a sour apple- 
tree," or some other improvin ode, hevin a good moral. 

4. Readin extrax from the Noo York Argus. 

5. Singin — " John Brown's body hangs a danglin in 
the air." 

6. Reading from the Day Book. 

7. Lecture on whatever phase uv the nigger question 
may seem approprit. 

We hev also organised a Sundy Skool on a pure basis. I 
spent much time in getting up a katekizm, uv wich the 
follerin is a sample : 

Q. Wat is the' cheef end uv man ? 

A, To whale niggers and vote the Dimekratic tikkit for 
ver. 

Q. Wat do the Skripters teach 1 

A. That a angel sent Hayger back to her mistress, that 
Paul sent Onesimus back, and " Servance obey yoor masters." 

Q. Who wuz Onesimus and Hayger ? 

A. Onesimus wuz a mulatter, and Hayger a octoroon. 

Q. Wat is sin ] 

A. Skratchin a ticket. 

Q. Who compose the Dimocratic trinity ? 

A, Yallandygum Brite and Fernandywood. 

Q, Wat is the first duty uv man ? 

A, To beware uv Ablishin lies, to rally to the poles, to 
vote early, and to bring in the agid, the infirm and the 
ideotik. 

To stimoolate the infant mind 1 hev institootid a system 
uv rewards ez follows : 

For committin 2 verses uv Vallandygum's address, 1 beer 
check, good at the Corners- 5 verses, 2 checks; 12 verses, 
' 4: checks ; and to the child hevin the most verses, a copper- 
mounted butternut pin. 

We had a festival yesterday. The tables wuz bounte- 
ously spred with bolony, liver-worst and crackers, wile a 



36 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

barl uv native whisky furnlsht the flooids nessary. It wuz 
a tetchin site to see the mothers, with maternal solissitood, 
a mixin JSTacher's Great Eestorer with water and sor-Tim 
sm'up; to adapt it to the infantile stumick. Fcr my part I 
aUuz take mine strait. 

I bleeve good w^ill be accomplisht. Last week in makin 
a pastorel visit jest about noon to the house uv wun uv my 
flock, w^io hez fine poultry, I w^uz amoosed at hearin a meer 
infant only three years uv old, swinging his little hat, and 
cry, " Hooraw fer Jeff Davis !" It wuz tetchin. Pattin the 
little patriot on the head, I instantly borrowed five cents uv 
his father to present to him. 

Petroleum V. Xasby. 



GOES ON WITH HIS CHURCH. 37 



XVI. 

GOES ON WITH HIS CHURCH. 

Church uv St. YALANDYcmr, 
June 10, 'G-3. 

"We bed a blessid and improvin time yisterday. My little 
flock staggered in at the usual hour in the mornin, every 
man in a heavenly frame uv mind, hevia Lin ingaged all 
nite in a work uv mercy, to-wit : 2 mobbin uv 2 enrollin 
officers. One uv em resisted, and they smote him hip and 
thigh, even ez Boliash smote Jaheel. (Skriptooral, Avich is 
nessary, bein in the ministry.) He wuz left fer dead. 

We opened servis by singin a hym, wich I writ, commen- 
cin es follows : 

*•' Sbel niggers black this land possess, 
And mix with us up here ? 
Oh no, my fiiends, we rayther guess, 
We'll never stand that 'ere." 

I then held forth from this text : " Whar hev ye laid 
him ]" I statid that the person I referred to wuz the mar- 
terd Yallandygum, and I, in behalf uv a outraged Dimocrisy^ 
demanded uv the tyrant Linkin, '• Whar hev yoo laid him V^ 
A unconvertid individooal sed, '- He's laid him out 1" wich 
remark cost him a broken head. I went on to show why 
our saint hed bin martered. It wuz becoz he wuz a Dimo- 
crat — becoz he dared to exercise the lites garanteed to every 
American, exceptin Ablishnists and niggers — aboosin the 
Guverment. Fer this and nuthin else wuz he eggsiled. 
'' My frends," sez I, drawin myself up to my full hite, and 



38 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

lookin ez mucli like Fernandy Wood ez possible^ "I am 
"willin to be marterd. I denounce this war as unholy, un- 
constooslinel; unrighteous and unmittygated. It is nuthin 
less than a in y ashen uv Dimocratik states, fer the sole pur- 
pus uv freein niggers. Linkin is a tyrant, Burnside a tool, 
order 38 a relik uv barberism, and I will resist the enroll- 
ment, the conskripshen, and the tax. Hooray for Jeff 
Davis." 

Our class-meetin wuz more interestiner than ever. One 
old, white headed brother sed that at times his way wuz dark, 
and his pathway gloomy. Wunst he wuz very near becomin 
a infiddle. He reely believed at one time that the nigger 
was human, and wunst he voted fer a Republican road 
Supervisor. But he hed repented^ and was, he trusted 
forgiven. His mind wuz now easy, and he should vote the 
whole Dimocratic tickit. 

Two backsliders who scratched their tickits last fall con- 
fest their sin, publicly. I exhorted em two hours, fined em 
a gallon uv whisky apeece, and took em into full communion. 
The whisky will be devotid to the missionary service, wich is 
me. 

This is a deliteful feeld uv labor. At the Corners they 
give me such flooids ez I need, at all the doggeries but one, 
and at that one they trust me, wich amounts to the same 
thing. I hev borrid uv my flock over 60 dollars already. 
It is a rich feeld, and wun wich will endoor much workin. 
.My nose is deepnin in color every hour. 

Petroleum V. jSTasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



STARTS A PAPEE. 39 



xyn. 
STAETS A PAPER. 

CnuECH uv St. Yanlandigidt, 
June 30, '63. 

I AM back in the midst uv my flock. I coodent be a marter. 
The Fedral orfisers dismist me with the insultin remark that 
I wuz 2 smal pertaters to notis. Hevin time on my handS; 
and feelin that I'm livin in vane onless I am doin suthin fer 
the grate coz, I hev determined to ishoo a paper, devoted to 
disseminatin my vews. I ishood my prospectusses to-day, uv 
which the follerin is wun : 



TO THE PUEE DIMOCEISY! 

PROSPECTUS uv THE '^ MARTER AXD TIREXT RESISTER 



I" 



Orgust 1st, the undersined will ishoo the fust number uv 
a paper bearin the above title, devoted to the interists uv the 
pure Dimocrisy. To inshoor the fatheful just sech a paper ez 
they need, the follerin able writers hev bin ingayjed, regardlis 
uv expence : — 

On arbitrary arrests — Petroleum V. Nasby. 

On habis corpuss — P. V. Kasby. 

On nigger — P. Volcano Nasby. 

On vilashens uv Constooshnal rites — Mr. Nasby. 

This brilyunt gallacksy uv intelleck, under the edytorel 
controle uv Petroleum V. Nasby ! 

The " Marter and Tirent Eegister" will support Yalandi- 
gum, and while givin the Guverment a harty support in 
puttin down the rebellyun, will uv coarse oppose — 



40 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

Coercin the secedid staits ; 

Invadin the secedid staits ; 

Eaisin armiz by volunteerin ; 

Eaisin armiz by draft er eonscripshen ; 

Eaisin meens by tax er tariff ; 

Arrestin uv men fer sympathisin with the Southern 
Dimocrisy ; 

Arrestin uv enybody fer eny thing ; 

The usin uv niggers ez soljers ; 

The usin uv white men ez soljers ; 

Evrything the Administrashen hez dun, is doin, er may 
hereafter do. 

It will viggerously advokate — 

The Constitooshn ez it is ; 

Vallandigum's doin away uv the Constitooshn ; 

The Union ez it wuz ; 

Vallandigum's plan fer dividin the Union in2 4 parts ; 

The eleckshen uv Vallandigum ; 

The eleckshen uv troo Dimekrats to good payin offises ; 

The enforsement uv the laws ; 

The resisting uv conskripshen and enrolein offisers ; 

Morality and good order ; 

The mobbin uv Methodis, Presbyterin, Luthrin Brethrin 
and uther hetrodox churchis. 

I appele confidently too the Dimocrisy fer support. The 
actooal, ginooine prinsiples uv Dimocrisy need a able defender, 
and I'm the identicle individooal. Mi hole sole is in the coz, 
and I am peecooliarly fitted by eddicashen and taists fer the 
posishen. 

I bleeve the speckelashen will pay hevy. My church 
welkomed me back with a corjality trooly afiectin. They 
held a Festivle on my return, to wich the Sundy skool 
skolars wuz present. I unbendid myself, and kist em onct 
apeece, takin a nip uv corn essense atween times, wich wuz 
nessary. Mistakin a mother fer her infant, the infooriated 



STARTS A PAPER. 41 

husband assaulted me. I wuz reskood afore much damij wnz 
dun. A speshl church meetin will be held too considder 
his case. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



42 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XVIIL 

PEEACHES AND MAKES A SUDDEN" SHIFT. 

ChUECH UV St. VALANDYGUIil, 

J.dy 7th, *63. 

I PREACHED last Sunday from the text, '^ Break every yoke 
and let the opprest go free." I went on to show that this 
text had no reference watever to niggers. Niggers wuz 
ordained 2 be bondmen from the very day Noah took a over- 
dose UV the Great Happyfier, and cust Canaan. But the 
text, like the Deklarashen uv Independense, and the ever 
blessid Constitooshn, wuz made solely fer w^hite men. It hed 
undoubted reference to the payin uv debts. Wat hevier yoke 
is ther than notes ? and who is more opprest than he v/ho 
pays ten per cent ? " Burn yer notes, and let yer debtors go 
free," wood be a more correcter readin uv the passage. 

In our biznis meetin in the afternoon, the question uv the 
draft wuz considered. It wuz plain that the enrolement 
cood not be prevented. The enrolein orfisers hed managed 
to do it, and it wuz a sertinty that every name atwixt 18 and 
45 wuz down. And we were all so satisfied that the draft 
cood be enforst, and there4 it behooves us to make it ez light 
ez possible, more espeshly, ez when one uv us is draftid, he 
will hev 2 go, not hevin the nessary 300 dollars. It is here 
€z it is in all excloosivly dimecratic communities, the groceiy 
keepers absorb all the capital. The foUerin resolutions were 
past : 

Wheras, Our nashen is involved in a horrible, fratrisidle 
war, the same bein unholy and waged solely 2 free the nigger 
and enslaiv the white man, wich is therefore our duty to 
oppose the same, therefore be ii 



PREACHES AKD MAKES A SUDDEN SHIFT. 43 

Eesolved, That we are in favor uv raisin our quota by 
volunteerin, and hereby urge the same. 

Eesolved, That Ave consider the employment uv niggers 
ez soljers ez not only justifiable, but highly commendable. 

Eesolved, That a committee be appinted to sekoor the 
settlement uv 2 hunderd families uv niggers in this township, 
excloosivly fer volunteerin purposes. 

The resolooshens wuz past, and the committees appointed. 

The very next day we heerd uv Vicksburg and Gettys- 
burg. I to-wunst blew the horn and got my flock together — 
told em the news, and oiFerd the following resolooshens : 

Whereas, Oar beloved country is involved in a bloody 
war aginst rebels and traitors — 

(A old man interrupted me say in '' W-h-a-t f Payin no 
attenshen, I proceeded.) 

And in sich a crisis the dooty uv every troo citizen is to 
sustain the Guverment, therefore be it 

Eesolvd, That the Dimocrisy are, cz they alluz hev bin, 
in faver uv a viggerus prossekooshen uv the war. 

Eesolvd, That our confidence in the great Vallandygum 
is unabated, and bleevin him to be the only actooal war man 
in Ohio shel give him our harty support. 

Eesolvd, That ^ the reports uv troubles in Ohio and 
Ingeany is lies, got up to deseeve the people. 

The resolooshens wuz past, tho I had to tell em twice to 
vote for em. We immejitly hunted up 2 enrollin orfisers who 
we tarred and feathered sum weeks ago, jest after Hooker 
w^uz defeated by Lee, at Chanslerville, vren we spozd our 
^uthern brethrin Vfood triumph, and giv em a public dinner. 
Ef all the leaders of the Dimocrisy were ez sagashus ez me, 
the old party wood hev smooth sailin. Alas ! how few hev 
the gigantik intellek uv JSTasby ! I hev written to my frends 
advisin em to shift ez soon ez possible. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 
Paster of sed Church in charire. 



44 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XIX. 
OBSEKVES A DAY OF FASTING. 

CnuECH uv St. Vanlandigum, 
July 20. 

Yesterdy wuz set apart by my congregashen, ez a day uv 
fastin and bumiliashen fer our misforchunes at Gettizberg, and 
the loss uv Port Hudsen and Vixburg. I ishood the foUerin 
direxshens fer the proper observance uv the fast, to-wit : 

1. Nip before breckfust not 2 eckseed two jills. 

2. Fer breckfust no animil food permitted, ceptin ham 
and eggs, beef, etc. 

3. Fer dinner, ditto, supper same ez on uther daze. 

4. Beer 2 be taken by the single glass, and pretzels 2 be 
eten without salt on em. 

5. These rules to be void in the case uv peepil over 35 and 
invalids, who may hev ther sustainin flooids ez usual. 

I preecht frum this text, " O mi sole why art thow cast 
down." I told em we wuz cast down becoz uv Meed's whip- 
pin Lee, becoz uv Grant's takin Vixburg, and Banks' takiu 
Port Hudson. That's what's the matter with us. That's 
what hez cast a shadder over owr countnansis, and changd the 
hew uv our nozis from the brilyunt crimsun to the gastly 
bloo ! The flattrin hopes uv a successful invashen uv the 
North is dasht — likewise the releef uv Vixburg, and now to 
fill our cup uv sorrer, Jon Morgin's command is destroyd. 
But still my frends ther is a silver linin 2 evry clowd, wich is 
poetry. There is wun ray uv hope, amid all this gloom. I 
allood 2 the late constooshnal demonstrashens in Noo York. 



OBSERVES A DAY OF FASTING. 45 

Ther wuz a victory. The draft books wuz destroyed and the 
draft wuz stopped. But ther wuz a bigger triumph than 
stoppin the draft. Niggers wuz killd — the prowd Anglo-saxn 
riz in his mite and stoned the niggers ! Halleloojy. At this 
pint sum uv the awjence becum sleepy, and to arowse them I 
becum faseshus. Why, sez I, wuz the Dimocrisy who mauld 
the niggers in Noo York, a most ennerjetic and perseverin peo- 
ple '? Becoz, anserd I, they left no stone unturnd 2 effect ther 
purpus. The ijee uv interdoosin conundrums in2 the pullpit 
is orijeael with me. I closed by exhortin uv em too stand 
firm. Ef we kin elect Vallandigum we may yet check the 
Fedral Guvment in its victorus carere. With Ohio all rite 
fer constooshnal rites, the game uv subjoogashen wood be 
playd out. Let us, sed I, never falter nor faint, but press on- 
nard 2 the mark uv our hy callin. Ez the Isrelites threw 
down the walls uv Gerryko by blowing ram's horns, so kin we 
by blowin our horns throw down the walls uv this Abolishn 
Gerryko. Blow your horns, my breethrin, for whoso bloweth 
not his own horn the same shall not be blown, but whoso 
bloweth his own horn the same shall be blown with a much- 
ness. 

We took a ei^umerashen uv owr church with a vew to the 
draft, with the follerin result : 



Hole number uv male members, , , 
Over 45, ... . . 

Under ly, 

Badly rupcherd, and utherwise diseasd, 
Goue to Canady 2 visit ther uncles, 



200 



50 
50 

8 



We air esy in our minds on this subjic. 

Petroleum V. ISTasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



46 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XX. 

VISITS VALLANDIGHAM. 

Chuech tjv St. Valandygum, 
July 27, '6:J. 

I HEV jest returned from a visit to our persekootid saint Va- 
landygum. The marter wuz holdin a resepshun at the Clifton 
House, wen I arrove. He caught site uv me ez soon ez I en- 
tered the room, and he rusht in2 ray arms, and droopin his 
head on2 my heavin buzm, weept aloud : 

"Marterd saint 1'^ sez I, with a voice tremulous with 
emoshen. 

" Sufferer fer truth !" sez he, and then this trooly grate 
man whispered, " Jest keep in this posishn a minnit — the ar- 
tist uv the Noo York lUustratid Flapdoodle is makin a sketch 
uv us," wich we did, standin locked in2 each others arms, 
and weepin profoosely fer 15 minits. It wuz exhaustin and 
tiresura, but fer the cause I endoord it. The picter will ap- 
pear in next week's Flapdoodle, headed " The 2 grate minds 
uv the Age I Affeetin meetin uv Yalandygum and N'asby !" 
The matter akompnyin the picter will be written by Yalandy- 
gum and myself, he writin wat relates 2 hisself, and I wat re- 
lates 2 myself. We kin do ourselves justis. After the East- 
ern delegashen hed gone thro the serrymony of kissin his 
feet, wich cleaned em, he dismist em, and we wuz alone. 

" Nasby," sez the great C. L., " how is things in my nativ 
state f' 

" Squally," sez I. 



VISITS VALLANDIGIIAM. 47 

" Wat wuz the pervalin sentiment uv the people as to my 
eggsile V 

*' They was extreemly glad uv it." 

" The akount uv my prostrashen — my untold suffrins, et 
settry, wich I hed publisht in the papers ; did that not affect 
themf 

"Yes, they laft." 

''Did not the affectin akount uv the wife uv my buzm, 
and my cherub babes a jinin me here 2 share my lonely 
eggsile, move em V^ 

'* Nary move.'* 

" Nasby, the peeple is stun. But I'll fetch em. Nil des- 
pritrando is my motto." 

After a few moments uv profound silence, he resoomd. " I 
must be Guvner, fer how else kin we prevent the subjugashen 
uv the Dimekratic staits. Elect me and therd be no more 
trouble about drafts, onless we shood git involved in a war 
with the United States. The Confedracy wood be recognised, 
Ohio wood go with the South, and slavery wood be inter- 
doost, and as we woodent hev eny further use fer em, poor 
men woodent be allowed to vote, making me perpetooal 
Guvernor. Nasby, we must succeed." 

" Certinly. But we're in a tite plais. Oor speekers is em- 
barist. It takes a gigantik intellek to bring the pints 2gether- 
A anicdote. A spritely boy wunst put 200 eggs in a nest fer 
a hen to set on. Sez his maternal mother, ' My son why put- 
tist thou so many eggs under the hen 1 She canst not kiver 
em.' ' Certinly she canst not, but thunder, I want to see her 
spread herself.' Jest so. Our speakers are in the same fix. 
The outside egg in the Dimekratik nest is opposition to the 
war. Tother side uv the nest, 200 eggs distant, is the sup- 
port uv the war. To kiver em all requires great stretchin ca- 
pasity. " 

"Troo, 2 troo. But we must mix it and trust to luck* 
In loyal counties stuff em with dilooted patriotism — in our 



48 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

counties pure secesli. The people is jest ez gullible now ez 
ever they wuz." 

I left the patriot and sage mucli comforted. 

Petroleum Y. Xasby, 
Paster uv sed Churchy in charge. 



CONFESSION OF FAITH. 49 



XXL 

cojS^fessiox of faith. 

Chuech uv St. TANi.AXDiGr^r, 
OrgiistSl, '63. 

We lied the glorusist kind uv a seesun yisterdy. The vrin- 
ders wuz opend and a showr uv pure Dimecratic grace de- 
sendid upon us and we wuz blest. Glory ! We reseeved 
into our Zion 18 young men who reseevd the faith Ly in- 
heritance, ther fathers hevin alluz voted the strait ticket. 
The foUerin is the Confeshun uv Faith too wich they sub- 
scribed : — 

Queshun — Dostest thow bleeve that Canaan wuz doomd 
to bondig becoz uv Noer's gettin tite ; that Hayger and 
Onezimus prove the skriptoorality of the fugytiv slaiv hiw ; 
that taken ez a hull they show that the ketchin uv niggers 
Avith dor":s is commendible and evancfelikle ? 

Dostest thow bleeve that the present war is unconstoosh- 
nel and unholy; that it wuz brot on by the Abolishnists inter- 
ferin with slaivry; that the bombardment uv Sumter wuz 
rite, tho hasty ? 

Dostest thow bleeve that Linkin is a tyrent and usurper ; 
that he hed no rite to subjoogait the sowth; that his callin 
out troops wuz unconstooshnel; and that every thing he hez 
dun, since the war begun, is likewise unconstooshnel'? 

Dostest thow bleeve that Yallandigum wuz sent in 2 the 
world to save the Dimocratic party; that in doin it he wuz 
arestid at Dayton, tride afore Ponteus Burnside, and sent 
sowth j that after three months he riz agen in Canydy^ 

E 



50 THE NASBY PAPEKS. 

whense he shel cum ez soon ez bese electid, and Pooh goes 
after him with 300 thowsan? 

Dostest thow take the Crisis? 

Dostest thow bleeve that the Sentrel commlttis is the sole 
dispenser uv opinyun, and wiltest thow aliuz yawp wen they 
•wink] 

Dostest thow bleeve that skratchin a tikkit is the onpar- 
donable sin? 

Dostest thow bleeve that this war wuz got up to free nig- 
gers, and that to-day Linkin hez 7d,000 niggers in Ohio, a 
feedin on fride oysters and hot punch 1 

Dostest thow bleeve that Lee is the greatest gineral uv the 
age, and that all reports uv Fedral victries is lies? 

Dostest thow bleeve Ben Butler's a beast, and Hamlin a 
mulatter ? 

Wiltest thow pledge yurself 2 oncompremisinly oppose 
yure sisters marrying niggers, no matter how much they 
want to ? 

2 all uv these questuns the candidates anserd, *' I dost." 
Bro. Tuttle extendid the rite hand uv fellowship — Bro. Huff 
sold eech uv em a copy uv Vallandigum's Kecord, and after 
making a {xj to their names, wich I bed prevusly ritten in 
our church book the wuz made members of my flock. 

The coz is prosperin. We commense a series uv revival 

meetins next week, and hev made extensiv prepparashens 

therefor. 10 barls uv condenst Dimocrisy, 20 barls uv beer, 

and 300 yards uv bolony hez bin pervided. Ther will be a 

outporin. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 

Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



PREACHES — SUBJECT, ^- GIVEN." 51 



XXIT. , 

PEEACHES-SUBJECT, "GIVEN." 

Chuech uv St. Yanlandigum, 
September 21, 1863. 

I PREECHED yisterdy frum this text : " Verely I say unto 
yoo, it is moar blesseder toe give than toe reseeve." — Joab 
17, 313 to 21, incloosiv. 

The ins2:)ird riter bed, no dout^ the Dimecratic party in his 
mind's I, wen he rit them wards uv wisdom. Experence hez 
shode the truth uv them sentens, and ef it hadent youd be 
bound to bleeve it, coz I, yoor paster, sez so, wich is Dimo- 
crisy. To illustriat we shell inquire : 

1. Wat is givin 1 

Givin is givin, wich is a suffishently cleer explanashen fer 
all practikle perpuses. 

2. Wen shood we giv ?• 

This pint reqwires moar eloocydashen. We must giv alluz 
fer it is moar blessider toe giv ner toe reseeve. The Dimo- 
crisy hez alluz bin scrip to oral in this partikeler. Wen the 
Sowth wantid Misoory, we giv it. Wen she wantid a Fugy- 
tiv Slaiv Law, we giv it. Wen she wantid Texis, and Kansas, 
and Nebrasky, we giv it, halleloogy. Wen she wantid 
Bookannon, we giv it, and wen she demandid Duglisses bed, ^ 
we giv it, fer it is moar blessider to give ner it is to reseeve. 

3. AVhy shood we give 1 

Becoz it pays. So long ez the Dimocrisy bed the power 
uv givin all wuz well. The Sowth hevin all it wanted wuz 
contentid, and evry thin went on smooth and plesent like. 



52 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

Nacher intendid em to rool, and us nns to serve, and we wuz 
satisfide, and so wuz they. Such offisis ez wuz benethe em, 
they tost to us, and all wuz peese. It wuz normel. 

4. Wat hez bin the cousekencis uv not givin ? 

My frens, seest thou yon Post orifise ? A abolishnist sets 
there. And woe is us the plasis we onct did fill all ore the 
land, we fill no moar. And wuz. Ther is war — the iSTorth 
hez rebeld aginst the Dimocrisy, and to-day, yoor sons is being- 
dragged to the tentid feeld, to be offered up a sakrifis to the 
fell sperit uv ^' not givin." Oh, my frens, we stumbled our- 
selvs. We faild to giv v/unst, and that failyour wuz fatle. 
Wen we in our pride defide the Sowth at Charleston, we 
sinned, and air now payin fer it. hed we all yoonited in 
given, then — lied we follered presedent and got down into the 
dust, then all wood hev bin well. 

We dedooce from the foregoin the follerin grate trooth, 
to-wit, viz : Suffrin alluz f oilers sin. Nether duz the sinner 
git the price uv his sin. The demon uv Abolishnism, er Not 
Given, wich is sinonymus, held afore the eyes uv Duglis the 
dazzlin prospek uv Northrin votes. But lo ! when Duglis 
hed took the fatel step, the votes wuz Linkin's, and the Post 
orfises wuz Linkin's, and the Dimocrisy supped on sorrer, and 
brekfasted on woe. 

Ther is, my brethren, a hevy cuss on Not givin. *' Wo 
untoyoo fer a stif-necked and rebelyus people." Abiram 31, 
5, xlp. In the originel Eooshen it is "stif-backt" instid uv 
"stif-neckt," wich makes it mene Massychusetts. They 
wood never bend a inch, they hed no limbernis, and with 
head up, instid uv down — with backs strate, instid uv curvd, 
they insisted on bein men ez well ez Virginny, thus forcin 
the Sowth to take up arms to bend em into ther nateral 
posishen. 

My frens, this war is a effort on the part uv the Sowth to 
put down these rebels aginst the grate prinsiple uv Given. 
That's all they want, and wen they git it they'll stop, I make 



PREACHES — SUBJECT, "GIVEN." S3 

no doubt. Then breethrin, let us pray fer their sukcess — let 
us imytait our martercl saint, Vanlandigum, who is a exel far 
away, and 2 the xtent uv our ability ferther the grate coz. 
Let N'oo Ingland be got under, Sumner, and Waid and Gid- 
dins, and Gim Ashly, and Oin Luvgoy, hung — the grate 
Davis President, with Fernando Wood and Yandaldigum in 
his Cabynit, then will ther be for us peece, and harmony, and 
good will, and post orifises. Let wat I hev sed sink deep in2 
yoor harts, wen the contribooshen box cums around, remem- 
ber that "it is moar blesseder 2 give than 2 reseeve." So 
mote it be. 

Petroleu:^! V. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



54 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXIII. 

VISITS CAMP DENOTSON TO ELECTIONEER 
FOR YALLANDIGHAM. 

Church uv St. Yanlindigum, 
October 1, 18G3. 

Feeltn it a sakred dooty I oad tlie coz uv Dimocrisy and fre 
speech (on awl subgeks not interferin with Dimocrisy ez it 
hez bin, ez it is, or ez it may be), I visyted Camp Dennyson, 
wich is naimd after a Abbolishnist, to use my stentorin voyse 
fer Vanlandigum, among the payrokl prizners. It wuz a 
bammy mornin in September, wen I arriv, and procoorln ad- 
mishen, I set to work to onct. Noticin a cupple uv duzen 
uv a play in poker, 1 cent anty, I j edged by a in stink I hev 
that ther wuz a gud field fer sowin dimycratik seed. Ad- 
vansin, I sed, "My frends !" "Wat," sed wun uv em, takin 
advantij uv the interrupshen to slip a ace er 2 up his koat 
sleeve. 

" My frends," sed I, " I cum 2 yoo ez a possel uv peece, 
and I umble advokait uv Dimocrisy, and that persookootid 
angil, Vanlandigum, — 

"Five aces, Jimuel," sed the person who fust sed "Wat" 
to me, " I take the pile, coz yu no yu cant bete five aces," 
and sweepin the munny, he remarkt 2 me, " now parson wat 
did yu say f 

" I cum," sez I, "in behafF uv the outrajd Vanlandigum^ 
who is a exel far away." 

I found that the sile ov Camp Dennyson wuz altogether 
2 stony to maik preeching for Vanlandigum and fre speche 



VISITS CAMP DENNISON FOR ELECTIONEERING, 00 

very plesent, fer no sooner bed the wurds left my lips than a 
showr uv stuns assaled me, wun that felt ez tho it wayd a 
tun prostratid me. A seriz uv outrajis wuz then perpetrated 
wich beggers deskripshun. I wuz peltid with offensiv eggs, 
and rotten cabbig, and decayd pertaters, in fact at wun time 
the air wuz so full uv eggs, that I might hev thot, bed I bin 
poetikle, that the blessid sun wuz a mammuth hen, badly 
diseazd, and a layin rotten eggs a milyun a minnit. Finelly^ 
wun uv em sez, " Boys, we aint the prizners this feller's after. 
Johnson's Island's wher he want to go to find his frends."* 
" Yes," sed another, " and to git thair yu go by water," where^ 
upon three frends seezed me and draggd me thro a boss troiT 
15 er a hunderd times. Then they pourd cole ile over me, 
and wuz a goin to set afire to dry me, ez they sed, but I break 
and fled, pursood by 1000 uv these infooriatid demuns. T 
finelly escaid by passin myself orf ez Horris Greely, onto a 
party uv em who stopt me. 

I am at present confind to my bed, sustanin myself by 
takin dosis uv terbacker joose from J. Davis' spittoon, di- 
looted with whisky. It inwiggoraits me. 

Petroleum V. JSTasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



56 ' THE XASBY PAPERS. 



xxrv^ 

m THE '^ APOSSEL BIZNIS." 

Maij (jth, 1863. 
The sole uv ^N'asby's foot knoze no rest. Eternal viggilence 
is the prise uv libberty, and a old Dimecrat who hez never 
skratched a tikkit, and who never spiles his likker by di- 
loosbn, kin work in these perilus times. I am engaged in 
or2:anizin Sieties on the basis iiv the Union ez it wuz, the 
Constitooshn ez it is, and the nigger wher he awt to be. 
This imployment soots me — the apossel biznis I like. Brot 
into continooal contack with the best uv Dimecrats, I hev 
the run uv a thowsan jugs — pay regler and libral — fasilitiz 
fer borrerin unekalled — I am kontent. I send a few extrax 
frum my jernal. 

MuxDY, 2d. — Kum into Whartensberg afoot. Wuz re- 
seeved with enthooziasm, invited to drink 20 times in ez 
menny minits, which invitashens I acceptid, solely fer the 
good uv the coz. Hevin cast-iron bowils I survived the 
trial. I found here a order called the '' Limit," wich is a 
good thing. Hed a meetin, and added the oaths to resist 
drafts and shelterin deserters, and after exhortin uv them 
to stand by Valandigum, borrered thirty dolers and a clene 
shirfc, and departid. [Poskrip. — The clene shirt I borrered 
^rum a Hne about 9 P. M.] 

ToosDY, 3d. — Houktown wuz the next pint. Dimecrisy 
all rite to opperate on. IS'ever wuz in a place in wich nigger 
wuz so hated and feerd. They hev a holesum prejoodis 
agin evry thing black. Wun old patriark shot all his black 
sheep, paintid a black boss red, and his dawter, a gushin 
majen uv thirty-too, askt the obgik uv her affeckshius too 
dy his raven lox white. A roomer that a Provo !Marshel 



IN THE '^APOSSEL BIZXIS." 57 

wiiz in the visinity did the job fer him in a single nite. 
Found him well organizd. Addrest em at length, showin 
conclusivly that hed Linkin resined in faver uv the hi-mindid 
Davis, we shood never hed this war. That sech a compermise, 
and the follerin consessions, wood hev averted blud-shed, to-wit : 

The rite uv suffrage to held only by slave-owners and 
sech ez they may designate. 

The repele uv awl tariffs ceptin the wun on sugar. 

The fillin up uv Boston harber. 

The suppreshun uv the Triboon. 

The hangin uv Giddins, Waid, Ashly, Sumner and Oin 
Luvgoy. 

I dwelt at length on the horrers uv amalgamashen, and 
closed with an elokent appele to stand by Vanlandigum and 
pure Dimocrasy. Borrered three dolers on a prommis to remit, 
wish I shel do sum time after next Preidenshel eleckshin. 
I maid the wictim ezy, by given him my note. Wen men 
can be made comfortable by simply a note, I alluz do it, if they 
furnish paper. Benevolens is a prominent trate in my karicter. 

Wensdy, 4th. — Van Buren wuz my next pint. The 
Dimocrisy here hev their lamps trimd and burnin. They in- 
doost more soljers to desert than any in the county ceptin 
Amandy and Union. I organised a branch sosiety to wunst. 
A blessid feelin prevades here. They jest more than hate 
niggers, and morn twenty babies hev bin named Yalandigum 
within six munths. One enthoosiastic old Butternut named 
a femail infant Yallandighamia, and another named his boy 
J. N. Valandigum Olds Woods Bright. The boy hez a strong 
constooshn and may live. Things is workin in Allen. I 
borrered only 8 doUers uv the fatheful, which I shel pay wen 
1 uv my rich uncles pegs out. 

I shel percede to Unyum and Orange townships imme- 

jitly. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



5S THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXV. 

WAILETH. 



Chuech uv St. Valandygum, 
October 14, '63. 

I'm sad — and waxed. My hed is a fountin uv teers, and 
mine eyes distil dilootid corn-joose. My hart is lead, and 
my sole is pot-bellied with greef. My lims ake with woe, my 
manly form is bowd, and my venrable lox is tm^nd white. 
O, Yalandigum, thow hast gon to the grave, and in the same 
toom is berrid all my hopes. Adoo, vane world, adoo ! I'll 
be a nunnery. 

The fait uv the people uv Ohio is seeld. Valandigum, 

Our chosin stancler-barer, 

is not only a exile far away, but ther is a cheerful prospek, 
wich is daily improvin, uv his continnerin in the exile biznis 
fer an indefFynit peryod uv time. A tyrannikle Presydent 
hez taken our old habis corpusses from us, and persistenly 
refuses to furnish us new wuns- — and the people hevin ac- : 
qwiest by their votes, we lay bound hand and foot. Men ; 
fieein from conskripshen and sich kin be seezed and dragd 
in 2 slavery — eavelry drest in odjus bloo hez license to hunt , 
the pantin fugitive, who, after drawin his bounty and pay, 
changis his mind and desires to return to the buzem uv lis 
family, and the shootin uv enrollin orfisers and tax assessors 
will now be considerd a crime. Alas ! 

The news affectid me variously. I hed our township all 



WAILETH. 59 

fixt, hevin distribbitid tikkits, and knowin nun uv em cood 
skratch em, ez they don't rite enny. I reseevd the returns 
with a gratifide smile. " Bless yoo, my children, you hev 
dun nobly," sez I. Presently a currier arrived, bringin the 
disturbin intellygens that the Northren countis giv BrufF 30 
thowsen, and 2 minnits thereafter another arrivd statin that 
the Suthrin countis had got loonatik and given Brufi 35 
thowsend. With a harterendin and sole tarin shreek, I fell 
a inannymait corps on the flore. ^ ^ ^ ^ j awoke. 
A oder uv suthin natrel filled the room, givin me life agin. 
It wuz whisky. The worthy woman to whose house I borde, 
hed bin rubbin the soles uv my feet with a jug, and givin 
me small dosis uv the Restorer thro a funnel. Her exer- 
shens restored me to life agen. I presume the fact uv my 
owin six months board did not nerve her frajile arm. It 
wuz revrens. 

Despondent and weery uv life, I attempted sooiside. I 
mixt my licker fer a day ; " I red a entire number uv the 
Crisis ; I peroozed " Cotton is King," " Pulpit Pollytiks,'^ 
and " Valandigum's Record," but all in vane. Ez a last 
desprit resorce, I attemptid to pizon myself by drinkin water, 
but that faled me. My stumick rejected it — I puked. 

I am 2 much prosteratid to offer either advise or conso- 
lashen to my Dimecratic frends. We air in a stait of abgect 
cussitude. To see Waid and Chaise, and Oen Luvgoy, and 
that 3 ply Abolishnist Horis Greely, feelin good, is prusic 
asid and strickO to us. I shell seek releef from my sorrers 
in the floin bole. 

Petroleum V. Nasby. 



P.S. — The printer will put mournin lines abuv and below 
this letter. 



60 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXYI. 

"CHANGES HIS BASE." 

Church l^' St. Vaxlandigum, 
October 2S, 1S63. 

Paul the apossel, on his way frum Geroosalein 2 Damaskus, 
to persekoot the Crischens, seed a dazzlin lite wich struck 
him blind. The old Dimocrisy on the 13th uv October, on 
its way to Glory, to j^ersekoot the nigger, seed a lite wich 
nocked it crazy. Wen yu've suckd a orange dry, natrelly 
yoo fling away the peel, and if the froot provd sour and bitter 
instid uv sweet, yoo fling it a good dele further, bein diso-ustid. 
Yalandiccum's marterdom wuz our orano-e — we suckt it wIq-- 
gerously ; but alas I quinine is sweetnis compared to it ; to- 
wit : I fling away the wuthless pele. 

Myself and flock is now all war Dimecrats. We hev 
alluz bin. We never agreed with the extreemists uv our 
party, and we remaned in the organnyzation, only becoz, ez 
members thereof, we cood restrane it frum doing mischif. We 
wer zelus in the support uv Yalandigum, and workt hard to 
elect him, only that, being his supporters, and hevin electid 
him, we cood curb him. 

Therefore, all our apparent opposishen to the war, wuz 
rcely its most effishent support. I hope the people will see it. 

At a biznis meetin uv our church yisterdy afternoon, the 
follerin resolooshen wuz past : 

Wareas, Dimocrisy flurishes best wen it is successful ; 
and wareas, it is a tender flower that don't bare the chillin 
frosts uv adversity much ; and wareas, the peeple hev shode 



"CHANGES HIS BASE." 61 

by the pekoolyer stile uv ther votin that tliey don't like 
Yalancligum ner his prinsipples ; and wareas, the peeple is 
moar use to us than Valandigum, therefore be it 

Eesolvd, That Yalandigum never wuz a representativ uv 
Dimocratic idee. 

Eesolvd, That we do not endors his vews, or approve his 
acts, and nevur did. 

Resolvd, that onist old A. Linkin, by arrestin uv him, 
and thereby forsin uv us into committin polittikle sooiside by 
nominatin uv him, wuz gilty uv a heenus sin. 

Eesolvd, That we aint ez much consernd about our habis 
corpusses ez we wuz afore the elecshen. 

Eesolvd, That the war fer the Union must go on, until 
its enemis is subjoogatid, and the banner uv buty and glory 
waves over every stait, and the Dimocratic committis uv the 
varius staits be requestid to procoor a suffishent number uv 
banners, and appint sub-committis to wave em. 

Eesolvd, That we air in favor uv subjoogashen, emansi- 
pashen, confiscashen, taxashen, conscripshen, exterminashen, 
nigger enlistments, and ef ther is any thin else the peeple 
desire, let em write us (post pade) and weel pass the nessary 
resolooshen. 

These preamble and resolooshen (which, at my reqwest, 
wuz past unanimusly) strikes me ez kivering the hull ground. 

Waitin and watchin, 

Petroleum Y. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



62 THE NASBY PArEnS. 



XXVII. 
HAS AN" INTERVIEVY WITH THE PRESIDENT. 



CHUPiCH VY St. ■ 



Nov. 1, 'C3. 

I FELT it my dooty to visit Wasliinton. The misarable 
condishon the Dimocrisy find themselvs into sinse the elecshen, 
makes it nessary that suthin be did, and therefore I deter- 
mind to see wat cood be efiectid by a persnel intervew with 
the Presdent. 

Interdoosin myself, I opened upon him delikitly, thus : 

^^Linkin," sez I, "ez a Dimocrat, a free-born Dimocrat, 
who is prepard to die with neetnis and dispatch, and on short 
notis, fer the inalienable rite uv free speech — knoin also that 
you er a goriller, a feendish ape, a thirster after bind, I speek." 

*^ Speek on," sez he. 

"I am a Ohio Dimocrat/' sez I, ^^who hez repoodiatid 
Valandigum." 

*• Before or sinse the elecshin, did yoo repoodiate him ?'' 
sez he. 

'' Sinse," retortid I. 

'^I thot so," sed he. "I would hev dun it toO; hed I bin 
you," continnered he with a goriller-like grin. 

" We air now in favor uv a wiggerus prosecushen uv the 
war, and we want you to so alter yoor polisy that we kin act 
with yoo, corjelly," sez I. 

" Say on," sez he. 

"I will. We don't want yoo to change yoor polisy, 
materially. We air modrit. Anxshus to support yoo we ask 
yoo to adopt th follerin trifling changis : 



nAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT. bO 

Eestoar to us our Labis corpusses, as good ez new. 

Arrest no moar men, wimmin and children, fer opinyun's 
saik. 

Eepele the ojus confisticashen bill; wich irrytaits the 
Suthern mind and fires the Suthern hart. 

Do away with drafts and conskripshens. 

Eevoak the Emansipashen proclamashen, and give bonds 
that you'll never ishoo a nother. 

Do away with tresury noats and sich, and pay nuthin 
but gold. 

Protect our dawters frum nigger eqwality. 

Disarm yoor nigger soljers, and send back the niggers to 
ther ov/ners to conciliate them. 

Offer to assoom the war indetednis uv the South, and plej 
the Guverment to remoonerate our Suthrin brethren fer the 
losses they hev sustaned in this onnatral war. 

Call a convenshen uv Suthern men and sech gileless 
Northern men ez F. Peerce, J. Bookannun, Fernandough 
Wood and myself, to agree upon the terms uv re-union. 

" Is that all ?" sez the goriller. 

^' No/' sez I promptly. '' Ez a garantee uv good faith to 
us, we shel insist that the best haff uv the orfises be given to 
Dimocrats who repoodiate Valandigum. Do this, Linkin, 
and yoo throw lard ile on the trubbled waters. Do this and 
yoo rally to yoor support thowsends uv noble Dimocrats, who 
went out uv offis with Bookannon^ and hev bin gittin ther 
whisky on tick ever siuse. We hev maid sakrifises. We hev 
repoodiatid Valandigum — we care not ef he rots in Canady — • 
we are willin to jine the war party reservin to ourselvs the 
poor privilidg uv dictatin how and on wat prinsipples it shel 
be carried on. Linkin ! Gorilla ! Ape ! I hev dun.'' 

The President replide that he wood give the matter serious 
considerashen. He wood menshen the idee uv resinin to 
Seward, Chais and Blair, and wood addres a serculer to the 
Postmasters et settry, and see how menny uv em wood be 



64 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

willin to resine to accommodait Dimocrats. He hed no dout 
sevral wood do it to-wunst. " Is ther any littel thing I kin 
do fer you f' 

" ISTotliin pertikler. I wood accept a small Post orifis, 
if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry. My politikle daze 
is well nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar 
in the assendency — let these old eyes onct moar behold the 
Constooshn ez it is, the Union ez it wuz, and the ISTigger 
ware he ought 2 be, and I will rap the mantel uv privit life 
arownd me, and go in2 delirum tremens happy. I hev no 
ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef. These whitnin 
lox, them sunken cheak, warn me that age and whisky hev 
dun ther perfeck work, and that I shell soon go hents, 
Linkin, scorn not my wurds. I hev sed. Adoo." 

So sayin I vfavd my hand impressively and walkd away. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge, 



4 



PREACHES, 65 



XXVIIL 

PEEACHES. 



Chuhch uv St. • 



Nov. 9, '63. 

I PEEECHED yisterdy frum tlie folleriu text : ^^ What shell ^Ye 
do to be saivd V^ 

This, my brethrin, is a important enquiry. Speakin ez 
a Dimocrat who fer thirty yeres hez never scratched a tikkit 
— vewin things frum a Dimocratic stand-pint^ I hev no 
hesitashen in say in that we need savin in a eminent degree. 
The dark waives of fanattysisni wich wuz mear ripples in 
1856, were mountin high in '60, and now they roll, uncheckd, 
frum Calyforny 2 Mane. One island is yet unsquelched. 
iN'oo Jersy yet is troo to Dimocrisy — a oasis amid the steril 
desert, a green spot by the wayside, a beekon lite to the ship- 
reckd maryner, a whisky-jug in Mane — thank hevin fer "Noo 
Jersey — halleloogy I I am prowd 2 say that I, yoor paster, 
wuz born in Xoo Jersey — that my father sawd wood fer the 
Presydent uv the Camden and Amboy, and my mother wuz 
his wather woman. Umble wuz our lot, but what sez the 
good book — " It is better to be a dorekeeper at the house uv 
Dimocrasy, than a postmaster in the tents uv Abolishnism. 
But 2 resoom : 

Wat shel we do to be saivd? This inquiry is uv pekool- 
yer intrest jest now. Let me ask why do we need savin 1 
Dimocrisy is the pure refind salt uv the goverment — to speek 
uv salt savin is a abserdity. Ah ! my frends, wile Dimocrisy 
savd the Guverment, the Guverment savd Dimocrisy. It 

F 



CG THE NASEY PAPEIIS. 

AYiiz a strikin illustraslien uv the eternel fitnes uv things. So 
long ez my venrable freud lied a Post Orifis he wood be wus 
nor a loonatik ef he did not sustane the Guverment that giv 
him the Post Orifis. Evrythiug went on, on long ez we hed 
the Post Orifises. Wat we want jest now is votes — and hovr 
to get em is the question. Whisky used to do it ! but, alas ! 
the amount uv whisky nessary to convert a Abolishnist to 
Dimocrisy wood kill him afore he cood vote — they not beino- 
seasond vessels. 

We lost controle, my brethren, by bein stubbern. O ! 
let us dodge that fatal errer. The last elecshen shode that 
Xye cood not lede the peeple — let the jieeple lede us. Ef the 
peeple want war, let us be war men ; ef they want pcece, let 
us sing hosanners to peece ! Ef they want war in Ohio, let 
Ohio Dimicrats be war, and if Noo York wants peece, let em 
be peece men. Our platform is broad enufFto acommodait all, 
and on the mane question, which is Post Orifis, we kin all 
agree, halleloogy ! 

Hevin settled the matter uv faith, vv^e will considder that uv 
work, fer faith without works is uv no moar use than a whisky 
punch without the whisky. Ther must be no draft — the men 
must be razed by volunteerin. Exstrordinory indoosements i 
must be held out fer Abolishnists to enlist — ^fer evry wun 
who goes stands a lively chance uv trubblin us no moar. Y\e 
must hev our voters back frum Canady. My friends, there ' 
were enufi good Dimocrats in Canady to hev savd Ohio and 
Xoo York. They must be hum, to wunst. We need em. 

We hev not suffishently improvd the nigger — we neglectid 
him. Ther is 2 sides to the war question, but on nigger we 
air invulnerable. Yv^hy yu ask ! Becoz he has no frends. 
The Abolishnists air afeerd to defend him, and by taking uv 
him to them we hev wun menny a fite. O bless the Lord fer 
the nigger he is our tower uv strength. 

My brethrin, we hev a big job afore us. Let us dally no 
lono-er. Think uv the consekences uv another defect. Seek 



PPwEACIIES. 67 

uv our DImocratic leeders ez did not git commislms in tlie 
army air in a bad sliaip. They can't git whisky on tick, fur- 
ever. Sum uv em hev got so low ez to be obliged to drink 
dilooted camfene, wich hez a bad efFeck upon the stumick. I 
tried it wunst. They must be releevd. They must hev their 
posishens and ther regler salaries, fer without em ther stum- 
icks is gone. Brethren, to the breech, to-v/unst. 

My church deppytised me to asst;rtane the wherabouts uv 
sum Dimocrat who hezn't exprest a opinyun sinse the war 
commenst, and tender him the nominashen fer the Presidensy. 

Petroleum V. ISTasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



68 THE NASBY PAPEES. 



xxrx. 

SUBMITS A PLAN FOE THE SALVATION OF THE 
DEMOCRATIC PARTY. 

Church of St. , 

Dec. 2, '03. 

I AM not apt 2 change. Ez the Samist sez, " vvunst I wuz 
yung, but now I am old," but yung er old, it has alluz bin the 
saim with me. Yv^hisky strate hez bin my bevridge, and 
Dimocrisy my tikkit, ayuu and inseprable, and I hev stuck to 
em with a fidelity ekaled by few and serpast by nun. But 
the time hez cum for a raddykel change, in order to saiv the 
good old party I hev ornamented so long. My reezens are 
these : 

The rebelyun is played out. Our Suthern brethrin is 
gone in. To use figgerativ langidge wi.ch will be understood 
in the circles in wich I am akustomed 2 move, Lin kin has 
maid 4 alreddy, and holds high, low. and jack. So long ez 
ther wuz any chanse fer the 15 Dimocratic staits to succeed 
it ^YSiS natrel fer ns to help em, fer then we cood ezy jine 
with em agin, but ez they are past prayin fer, wat is wis- 
dom fer us '1 Clerely to help wipe em out. Vv^hy ? In my |j 
skriptooral reedin I wunst found a histry uv a steward who 
wuz about losin his plais. Like Hamlick he soliloquizd, 
^•Wat kin I do ? I can't work, I don't fancy beggin^ and |j 
hevn't got the green-bax to start a grosery." (Groseries wuz 
cash in Judee.) A lucky thot emergd frum his Websterian 
intelleck. '' I hev it," scz he to hisself. "I am yet steward. 



SALVATION OF THE DE:M0C11AT1C PARTY. 69 

I will giv receets in full to tliem ez owes my boss, and wen 
my day uv trubble cums, I'll board with em.'' 

The pint is plane. Wile in the serviss uv our Suthrin 
masters we wuz rayther hard on our Afrikin brethrin. We 
did bete em and choak em, and did despitefully use em. We 
can't count on the Sutherners no moar — let us elevait the 
nigger to the plais his master okepide in the party. Like 
the steward aforesed, let us do good to them we was wunst 
tufi on, that we may hev frends wen we need em. Let that 
hory old dotard Tawny be assassynated, and sum wun ap- 
pinted in his plais, that will reverse his decision that they 
hedent eny rites that witc men was bound respeck — let Sam- 
cox and Fernandy Wood interdoose bills abollyshin slaivry in 
the staits, and givin evry Afrikan brother a quarter secshun 
uv land, a 2 boss teem, a red bunnit with artefishel fio^Yers 
onto it — maik em sittyzens, and then — 

We'd get evry wun of em. This wood give us the fifteen 
Suthrin staits as in the happy daze of yoar, and the 500;000 
uv our cuUerd brethrin, now in Kanady, cood be brot back 
to the land uv their nativity, and distribbited thro Ohio and 
Koo York, so ez to redeem them staits frum the rule uv mis- 
gided Abolish— I meantersay, Republikins. This plan is 
feezible, and pekoolierly adapted to the Dimecratic mind, 
wich is flexyble, very. Let it be adoptid and wunst moar 
will the good ole party repose under the shadder uv the 
Trezury bildins, wunst agin will the chozn few dror regler 
salaris, and the JSTashen flurish under the blessins we lost wen 
Bookannon, the gileless, retird to privit life. 

Petroleum V. Xasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



70 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

XXX. 

TAKES A llETEOSPECTIVE VIEW. 

Chuech uv the Slawterd Innocents 
(Lait St. Yalandigum), Bee. 11, 'G3. 

YiSTEPtDY I heerd a Abolishnist remark, ''The world moves." 
The observashen (wicli I hev heerd frequently uv lait) set me 
into a trane uv refleckshen. My eomperhensive mind sprang 
back into the misty daze uv the past, and I wuz a boy agin. 
Twenty-six yeres ago I wuz a splittin my syinetrikle throte a 
hollerin fer Van Booren. Them wuz the pammy daze uv Di- 
mocrisy. Androo Jaxon hed left us his naim ez cappytal fer 
us to do biznis on, wile he wuz out uv the way, and coodent 
interfere with our steelin, wich wuz comfortable. Vv^e wuz 
beetn, but wuz still strong and viggerous, knowin that we 
cood manaje to live doorin Harryson's rane on wat we hed 
stole doorin Van Booren's, the fasilites havin bin unlimitid. 
O them times ! Ther wuz Cass, and Davis, and Dickison, 
and Calhoon, and Tooms^ and Bill Allen, and Duglis (who 
wuz jest comin in), and Eitchy, and Benton, and Isaer Eyn- 
ders, and Wise, and Yankee Sullivan, a gelloreous galexy uv 
intellectooal and muskeler Dimocrisy, sech ez the world never 
seed afore and never will agin. Wuz Abolishnism tolratid in 
them hajDpy daze ? JSTot enny. O with what arder Oin Luv- 
joy wuz shot at Alton — hov.^ wiggerusly the Dimocrisy labered 
to throw his press in2 the turbid waters uv the Missisipi. 
Wood, o wood that we cood hev sunk his doctrins with his 
press. Did we allow xVbolishn talk ? Xary. These stalwart 
arm hev hurled baskit-fuls uv unsavry eggs at the pedlers uv 
polittikle heresy, and my skill in eggin Abolishn lecterers 
wunst maid me Justis uv the peese in my nativ township. 

In the South every hillside wuz dottid with the carcasses 
tiv Noo Ingland skoolmarms, who hevin bin suspected uv 
teechin niggers to rede, wuz justly hung, and the plesenfe 
crack uv the whip wuz heerd all over the land. Oh them Ar- 



TAKES A KETFcOSPECTIYE VIEW. 71 

cadlan clase, wen it only took 20 miDits to arrest, try, ser-^ 
tence, Lang, and divide tlie close uv a Yankee skoolteecher ! 

But alas ! heresees crep in2 our ranks, and ther wuz con- 
fooshun. Yan Booren bolted and bete Cass, and, notwith- 
standin he repentid, afterward, the Abolishon pizon he inter- 
doost in2 the Dimocratic body pollytik, remaned. It broke 
out in ugly sores in Ohio, in 184:8, in the shaip uv the feend- 
ish Free sile party. Then Chaise and Brinkerhoof slufFed orf, 
and jind with our ainshent enemis. Jest afterward the Anti- 
Xebrasky excitement, cuppled with iSTo-Nothinism, w^haled us, 
and it wuz only by sooperhooman eggsershens that we electid 
Bookannon. Sense it hez bin nothin but disaster. Boo- 
kannon and Duglis got by the eers, Duglis refoosed to cave to 
his suthrin brethrin, Linkin wuz electid, war ensood, and now 
wat do these old ize behold ? Cass, and Ben Butler, and Lo- 
gan, and Dix, and Dickison, and Dave Tod^ strikin hands 
with Josh Giddins, and Horris Greely 1 It is a singeler fact, 
that every leader we used to trust is now agin us. And wuss. 
Abolishn papers is bein publisht in South Karliny, in Tenni- 
see, Kentucky, and Loozeaner, and a millyun uv men^ led by 
the ghosts aud ghostesses uv them huug skoolmasters and 
skoolmarms aforesaid, assisted by John Brown's soul, wich is 
littrally a marchin on, is enforcin a proclamashen freein all 
the niggers at wun stroak, and the Dimocrisy bein sum hun- 
dreds uv thowsends in the minority, is powerless to prevent it. 

Trooly, the world moves. It hez moved the Dimocrisy 
from the I'edestal uv Power it wunst okepide, and laid it pro- 
strait. It hez elevatid men we despised, and adoptid idees 
we scoft at. Yunger men may shift and git in2 the tide agin, 
but ez fer me I cant. I shel maik wun moar effort, and if w^e 
fail — why then I shel withdraw from public life, and start a 
groscry, and in that umble callin will flote peecefully down 
the streem uv time, until my wether beten bark strikes on the 
rox 01 deth, gittin my likker in the menetime (uv ^Yich I con- 
sume menny), at wdiolesail prices. 

Petroleum Y. ISTasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



72 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXXL 

COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS. 

Church uv the Slawterd Innocents 
(Lait St. Valandigum), Dec, 19, '63. 

I HEY bin for menny jeres disposed to bleeve in speritooa- 

lism. Ther is suthin plesent in the idee uv bein in communi- 

caslien with them ez hev gone before, as it may be reznable 

supozed that frum their stan-pint they kin see things in a 

more clearer lite than we who is encumbered with clay. 

Akordingly I invited a distingisht mejum to visit my 

flock. 

* * * * « « 

A circle wuz formd, and I wuz requestid to call fer the 
sperit uv sum wun. Hevin a few Abolishnists present, 
whom I wisht to enliten on politikle topix, I cald for Tomus 
Jefferson. " Tomus," sez I, " wuz yoo the father uv Dimo- 
crasy ?" 

(I use my own langige, ez them old fellers wuz not alluz 
elegant.) 

"I wuz." 

" Tomus, are the party now barin the name yoor child ?" 

" Not any. Its a mizable bastard, born uv John C. Calhoon, 
and that old hag, Stait Eites, and a low-lived whelp it is. 
IMy heirs is them ez supports the Guverment I help tr 
maik." 

" But, Tomus, wood yoo hev us support a Abolishn war 
fer the perpus uv freein niggers ?" 

The sperit rapt out with awful distinknis, ^^ We hold 



COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS. 73 

these trootlis to be self-evident that a^yl men is creatid ekal, 
and endoud witli certing inaleyenable rites, among wich is 
life, liberty—" 

At this pint I stopt the mejum. I knew the sperit wuz 
not Tomns Jefferson, but a imposter, hevin heerd a Abolishn 
preecher use the same iangige at a 4t'h uv Guly selebrashen. 
I then cald Androo Jaxon, hoo respondid. 

" Androo/'sezI, "woodent yoo like to be back on yearth, 
jistnow]" 

"Yoo kin bet I wood," retortid he. '^I'd like to hev bin 
President in the plais uv that old, white-liverd, black- cockade 
Fedralist, Bookannon. Wat a hangin ther wood hev bin I 
Ther wood hev bin vacansis in Congris, and jest ez menny 
funerals ez ther wuz vacansis. As fer Sowth Carliny," — 

The communycashen ceesd, and I heerd a sound like the 
grittin uv teeth. It resoomed. " I'd string up Valandigum, 
and Fernandy Wood, and Sam Medary, et settry. It wood 
be a bad old joke on them indivijjles ef I hed controle oi' 
the habis corpus, I'd — " 

I refoozed to here ferther. This sperit wuz also on- 
doutdly a imposter. 

I cald fer Benton, who merely sed that Mizsory wuz 
comin to her sensis in gettin rid uv slaivry, and fer Duglis 
who remarkt that he cood say uv the temple of Dimocrisy 
es the Savior sed of the sinagog, " My howse is cald a 
howse of prayr, but ye hev maid it a den of theeves," both of 
whom wuz onquestionably imposters. Another sperit (pro- 
bably of a deceest abolishnist) sed that Benedict Arnold 
and Judis Iscariot hadent bin on speekin terms fer sum time, 
Iscariot hevin called Arnold a copperhed. Arnold sed he'd 
never stand that. 

Duglis cum back, and sed he had jest wun word 2 say. 
The Dimocratic party wuz wunst grate, but it hed got in2 
bad hands and gon crazy as a drunken bed-bug. It needed 
new manajers — men uv suffishent sence and honisty to run 



/4 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

tlie party on old prinsipples. In the old bands it wuz a pat- 
tryotic party — a party that wuz alluz for the country* It 
whaled the British in 1812, and^ afterwards nockt the hind 
sites off uv the old Fedral party fer opposin it. It smasht 
Mexico, and afterwards smasht the Whig party fer not helpin. 
]S^o^Y for the Dimocrisy to oppose a war agin rebels who not 
only commenst it, but bed actooally bustid the party itself, 
is loonacy unekaled in the histry uv the world. Squelch 
them tuppenny pollytishns who hev cheeved the mantels 
wunst worn by Jaxon and Benton (they look in em jest about 
as well as a orgin grinder's munky wood in a soljer's over- 
kote, and fdl em jest as much), get onto a war platform, 
and" — 

I didn't care about persooin my investigashens enny 
ferther, pertikelerly ez the Abolishnists were all a snickrin. 
Its my privit opinyun that thers nothin relyable about it.. 
Hed the sperits bin reely them uv Jefferson, Jaxon, and sich, 
tliev woodent hev talkt so much undilootid nio-o-erism. 

riowever, it did me very well. The mejum took up a 
colleckshun uv six dolers, wich, by a singler coincidence, was- 
the eggsact amount I hed intendid to charge him fer the use 
uv my church. He grumbeld, but finelly sheld out. I am 
now warin a new pare uv pants. 

Petroleum Y. N"asby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in cbar2:e^ 



TRIES AN EXPERIMENT. 75 



XXXII. 

TEIES AX EXPEPJMENT. 

ChUECH UV the SlAWTEHD T^'NOCEIs'TSr- 

(Lait St. Yalandigum), Dec. 25, '63. 

Mankind is tlie most perverse and onrezonable beins uv the 
human family. Wile they assent 2 a principple, they never 
will put it into practis ef it bares hard onto em ez indivij'jleSj. 
to- wit : 

I had bin for sevral Vv'eeks deliverin a coarse uv lekters 
on the divinnity uv slaivry. I argood that the institooshn 
wuz based upon the infeeriority uv wun man 2 another — ^that 
it wuz not only a wise but a bootiful pervision uv nacher 
that the strong shood hev charge uv the week, a guidin, and 
protektin and a workin uv em. The idee plezed my congre- 
gashen vastly, and fifteen or twenty uv the strongest perposed 
that it shood be put into praktis, jest 2 show the world that the 
grate doctrine cood be carried out jest as well in theiSTorth as in 
the South. To wich I assented to-wunst, and at the next biznis 
meetin, the follerin plan wuz adoptid : — The members uv the 
congregashen shood try ther strength, and them as cood lift 
600 shood own and possess, in fee simple, all them ez coodent. 

The trial v.^uz bed, the divizshen maid, and I wuz happy 
at bein the umble instrooment uv plantin the grate institooshen 
on -N'orthrin sile. 

But alas, owin 2 the perversity uv the human mind, afore- 
said, it dident work. Old John Podhammer razed his 600 
Avith the gratest eeze, wile Bill Sniffles, who wuz a workin fer 
him fer 12 dolers a munth, coodent fetch it. Podhammer 
went over to Bill's cabin, the next mornin, and sec Tic, 



76 THE XAS3Y PAPERS. 

'•' Wilyiim, frum this time bentz4tli, and furever, yoo air my 
man. As all a slaiv has is his master's, the 18 dolers I owe 
yoo, or that I did owe yoo afore this blessid system wuz es- 
tablisht, I sliel kepe, and as yoo hev moar furnytoor than 
befits yoor lowly condishen, I will send a teem over to-morrer, 
and taik yer bewrow and stand, and bedstids up to my house, 
and " 

At this junctur in cums Mrs. Sniffles, who kin lift 600 
with old Podhammer on the top uv it, and it wuz no time 
afore she diskivered wat his biznis wuz. She turnd red in 
the fais. Sed she : — 

'' Yoor goin to take my furnytoor V 

" Certingly." 

'• And we air yoor slaivs f ' 

" Uv coarse." 

*' And yoo kin sell my children V' 

''laterally." 

'' And yoo kin maik me yoor conkebine f 

-Eflwish." 

^' You old beest !" shreckt the infooriated femail chattel, 
forge ttin her normal condishn, ''you sell my babies, you talk 
my furnytoor, drat ye, I'll give ye sum uv it now," where- 
upon she hurled a chare, wich laid him j^rostrait on the 
ilore, w^en she pickt him up and flung him out the dore. 

It did not end here : Podhammer bed in his hand a 
patch- work coverlid, wich he thot he wood taik with him, 
and when he cum to he walked ofT with it, whereupon Mrs 
Sniffles lied him took up on' a charge uv steelin, and he wuz 
actooaly tride, found gilty, and sent to jail fer 30 daze. How 
kin v/e establish Dimocratic institooshens, wen the corts won't 
recognize the laws of nacher. The experiment, for the pre- 
sciit, liLZ tlie {ippcrentz of a failyer. 

Petrgleu^i V. oSTasby, 
P.istor uv sed Church, in charge. 



ESTABLISHES AFRICAN SLAVERY. 77 



XXXIII. 

ESTABLISHES AFRICAN SLAVERY. 

Chuech uv the Slawteed Innocents 
(Lait St. Yalandigum), Jan 26, '64. 

Trouble air a cumin upon me thicker and faster. ''Men 
change, but principples, never," hez bin a motto uv mine fer 
veers, and bleevin in the grate principple of the strong owning 
the week, or in uther words, Slaivry, I shel never ceese my 
efforts to maik it universal Ther bein a onreesonable pre- 
judis in the minds uv the week uv my congregashen aginst 
bein the perpetooal servance uv them as nacher hez maid to 
rool, I called a special meetin of my flock, to considder the 
matter. I interdoost the matter thus : 

By Hager I proovd that slaivry was scriptooral. 

By '•' cussid be Kanan," et settry, I shode concloosively 
that the nigger wuz the identikle indivijjle who wuz to be the 
sed slaiv aforesed. 

Then it wuz put to vote and it wuz unanimusly resolvd 
that Aferken slaivry be interdoost amongst us. I notist with 
pleasure that the poorer the indivijjle, the moar anxshus he 
seemid to own a nigger. 

Opinyuns were then interchanged. Absolum Kitt, who 
is a carpenter, and who never saved a doler, hevin alluz 
hed a sick wife and a large family of childern, sed he felt 
that a grate work hed bin dun that nite. The prowd Anglo- 
saxun whom nacher intendid to rool, hed bin that nite ele- 
watid 2 his normel speer. Hentz4:th ther wuz no moar 
labor fer him. He hed a contrak to bild a howse for brother 



7b THE NASBY PAPERS. 

Poclhammer, and he bed no doubt tliat the brethrin who wuz 
blest with menes wood make up a puss, and enable him 2 
buy a nigger carpenter to do his work. 

Brother Podhammer aroz. He, uv coarse, wood be glad 
to assist brother Kitt^ but dooty 2 his family reqwired a 
diffrent line uv askshen. His idee wuz to purcliis a nigger 
carpenter hisself, and 

" WHAT !" exclaimed Kitt. 

Brother Podhammer resoomd. He intended to buy a 
nigger carpenter hisself, and bild his house. The cheef buty 
uv the grate system, and the wun that maiks it altogether 
luvly, is that yoo kin buy yoor labor. 

" But/' sed Kitt, ^- what kin I doo if yoo work nigger 
carpenters ?" 

" Trooly/' sez Podhammer. '' I kno not. A carpenter 
kin be purchist fer ^1000, the interest uv wich is ^60, and 
his keepin say ^100 more, per annum. Now ef brother 
Ivitt 11 cum to them wagis, and be modritly umble, I mite, 
fer his saik, forego the exquisit pleasure uv hevin a nigger 
to flog, and still employ him." 

^- But," sez Kitt, turnin pail, '' my family wood starve on 
ihem wagis. Wy, I mite ez well be a nigger myself." 

At this pint I lifted up my voise. I exorted Bro. Kitt 
to patience. The grate Dimocratic idee that cappytal shood 
own labor must be establisht. It may bare hard upon in- 
divijjles, but wat then 1 John Piogers went camly to the stake 
fer principple. Ef Bro. Kitt doth not like to accept his normel 
condishon to-wunst, he kin go to sum less favored country, 
whcr the grate instooshon is not establisht. 

Bro. Podger, a blacksmith, sed he suppozd the rich uns 
wood buy a nigger blacksmith, and let him emigrait. 

Bro. Snipes, a plastrer, made a simler obserwashen. 

Bro. Punt, a bricklayer, remarkt likewise. 

Whereupon they all, in corns, similerly exclaimed they 
see us d — d fust, and then they woodent. 



ESTALLTSHES AFRICAN SLAVERY. 70 

"Whereupon tliey reconsidered there solnslien estaljlisliin 
slaivry. 

Kitt and his herritix wuz not at cliurcli last Sundy, and 
tlie Postmaster told me tliat they lied sent orf a club fer the 
Isoo York Triboon. 

Trooly, a reformer's Jordan is a hard rode to trayel I 
belceve. 

Petroleu3i Y, Xasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



80 THE NASBY PAPERS. 



XXXIV. 
PKEACHES-^SUBJECT, " THE PEODYGAL SUN." 

Chuech uy the New Dispensashun, 
January 31, 1864. 

My brethren and sisteren : I shall maik sum remarks this 
mornin based upon the bootiful parable of the prodygal sun. 
I wood read 2 you the passij, but the Bible I hev is the only 
wun in the township, and I lent it yisterdy 2 Square Gavitt, 
who sed swarin witnesses on almanacs woodent do in boss 
cases, and he hasent brung it back. The skripter sez, in 
substance : , 

Ther was a certin man who hed 2 suns. The yungist 
hed a taist fer that branch uv agricultooral persoots known 
ez sowin wild oats, so he askt the old man fer his sheer uv 
the estait. lie got it, turnd it into greenbax, and went ofi. 
He commenst living high — hording at big hotels, and keepin 
trottin bosses, and playin bilyards, and sich. In about a year 
he run thro his pile, and wuz ded break. Then his credit 
playd out, and he wuz in a tite place for his daily bred. 
The idee struck him that he hed better put for hum, wich he 
did. The old man saw him a cumin, and he run out and 
met him, and giv him a new cote, and a order for a pare uv 
shoes, and kild a fat caff, and hed flour doins. The oldest 
boy obgected 2 these say in, " Lo I hav servd thee these menny 
yeres, and thou never madest no splurge over me, but when 
this thy son, who hez fooled away his pile, returns you kill 
calves and sich.'^ Then the old man retorts sayin, " My sun 



PREACHES SUBJECT, '^THE PRODYGAL SUN." 81 

who wuz lost is found, the sheep who went astray is cum 
back, let us be merry." 

My brethren, this parable applize ez well to the present 
time ez though, it wuz maid fer it. Uncle Samyuel is the 
old man, the suthern wing uv the Dimocratic party is the 
proddygal, and the Abolishnists is the oldest sun. The south 
got tired and went off on its own hook. I haz, I maik no 
doubt, spent the heft uv its substance, and will shortly con- 
clude to cum home. !N'ow the grate question uv the hour is 
how shel he be reseeved. My frends, the Dimocratic rool is 
to foller the scripter wen yoo can maik a pint by so doin. 
In this pertikeler case Godlinis is gane, halleloogy, therefour, 
let us be Godly. Let Uncle Samyooel see the repentant 
proddygal afar orf — let him go out to seek him, er send 
Fernandy Wood, and when he hez found him let him fall, 
not upon his neck^ but at his feet — let him put onto him the 
perple robe wich is royalty, and upon his hand a ring, wich 
is dominion, wich is a improvement upon scripter. 

But the Abolishnist, who is the elder sun, steps up and 
sez, '' Xary. He wuz a doin well and he wented out frum us, 
takin awl that wuz his own, and sech ez he cood steel, all uv 
wich he hez spent upon such harlots as Afrikin slaivry, Stait 
rites, and Suthern independence, wich last two menshund is 
whited sepulkers. I sent my sons Grant, and Eosycrauce, 
and Benbutler after him, but lo ! wen he wuz strong and 
wiggerrus he did despitefuUy use them. N"ow that he is vreek 
from hunger, let him brindle. Ef we talk him to our buzems, 
let him cum on his nees, let him cast off the harlots that hev 
sedoost him, that ther may be no moar trubble in all the land." 

My brethren, we must talk him back ez the old man did 
in the bible. Why ? do you ask. Becoz he wuz alluz the old 
man's pet, and had things his own way. We wuz his frends 
and shared with him the steelins, but sence he went out the 
Abolishn brother and his frends hev controld things and whare 
air we ] Eko ansers no whair ! We okepy low plasis in the 

G 



82 THE XASBY PAPERS. 

sinagog, and the doggery keepers go mournin about the 
streets and refuse to be comforted becoz ther cash is not 
plenty, and ef ^ye talk back the proddygal shorn of his 
strength^ of \^hat avail is he to us ? He must cum back ez 
strong as ever, he must bring his harlots with him — he must 
EOOL 1 Then shel ^ye hev the Post Orifises, and then shel 
we agin live on the fat uv the land, doclgin the cuss uv labor. 
Brethrin, let us be dillygent in this grate work, instant in 
seeson and out uv seeson. 

A collecshun wuz takin up fer the perpus uv sending a 
mishunary 2 Massy chusits, wich yelded 7 dolers. Ez the 
amount woodent pay the ralerode fair, it wuz voted to apply 
it on repairs on the church, wich I did by havin my boots 
hafi-sold and buyin a new hankercher. 

Petroleum V. N'asbt, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge. 



DBEAMS* 



XXXV. 

DEEAMS. 

Church uv the New Dispexsashun, 
February 6, 1864. 

AM no spesliel bleever in dreems. The gulf atwixt tlie 
material and immaterial worlds is 2 wide to be spand by tbe 
bridj uv sleep, ur if spand at all, the way is 2 narrer to make 
safe even the passij uv a nite-mare. [Poeticle idee.] Still, 
the sperit may, wen loost frum its lode uv clay, sore off in2 
the dim fucher, and retane a porshen uv its impreshns wen it 
agen okepies its prison-hows e. 

Last Saterdy nite I hed a dreme. I hed bin a redin 
"Cotton is King," and sech works, aidin my understandin 
with frequent drafts frum a bottel containin ^^nachers last, 
best gift 2 man," and I fell in2 a gentel slumber. I dreemd 
that the Confederasy hed bin successful, that it carrid out its 
orijinel idee, and hed subjoogatid the northern staits. Geffer- 
son Davis wuz roolin at Washinton under the title uv 
'' Gefferson I, Empror uv all the Amerikys." The Senit and 
Hows uv Eepsentativs hed bin dun away with by decrees, and 
the biznis uv governin wuz dun solely by the Empror and 
his ministers. All to wunst I wuz in Washinton, a rolein 
along in a gorjus carige. I wuz sumsvat surprizd at my 
persnel apperans. I wuz drest in flesh culered tites, with 
sandels on my feet, with dimund buckels onto em, and on my 
hed wuz a crown, makin me resemble a play acter I seed 
wunst a playin Richerd. Suddenly the carige stopt, and I 
alitid, and assended the steps uv the Palise. It wuz a 



84 THE NASBY PAPERS. 

resepsliun, and a cliamberlin wuz announcin the gests ez tliey 
arriy. ^^Earl von Seymor !" ^- Count de Sammedary !" 
^- Markuis Fernandywood !" and ez I stept forerd wat a gusli 
uv exstasy tlirild thro my vanes as the chamberlin (who wuz 
little Samcox) showtid, '' DOOK DE NASBY !" 0, what a 
I moment ! 

I My dreems continnerd. Methawt the nobility wuz maid 

1 up uv the offisers uv the Confedrit armies, and sech Northern 
I men ez he'd bin troo to the Confedrisy. The Northern staits 
' hed bin diwided into dookdums^ and erldums and sich — my 
territory extending forty miles eech way frum Wingert's Cor- 
ners, whair my dookal palise wuz sitooated. Niggers waz 
dun away wdth, ez all the Avhites excepting the privligd classes 
wuz serfs, wich effectooally settled the question uv Afrikin 
slaivry. The nobility ownd the land and the inhabitants wuz 
all pesantry, payin to the lord uv the soil 4-fifths uv the pro- 
dux. I wuz livin in stile. We hed subjoogatid the Abolish- 
nists, and wuz usin their leadin men ez our meenyels. 0, it 
wuz magnificent and gorjus. I arose evry mornin wdth Sum- 
ner a holdin a bason, and Waid a pourin uv perfoomd water 
over my hands, after wich Gim Ashly dryd em with towels. 
They wuz my servanee ! Poetikle justise. 

In short, Gefferson Davis, ez soon as he hed the power, 
hed declarid the idee uv men governin themselves a failyoor, 
and hed revivd the old foodel system. France and England 
hed assisted him in establishn hisself, and hed jest got the 
thing into good runnin order. One seen in my dreem filled 
me full uv joy. I thot I wuz in my dukel robes in my an- 
cestrel halls, overlookin my stewart (editer Kaymond, uv Noo 
York Times), a reseevin triboot frum the happy pesantry, 
wen I notist among em sum who hed refoosed me credit in 
the days uv the Eepublic. Eage fiUd my sole. " Away with 
the hory miscreance," showtid I to my armed serviters, '^ away 
wdth em 2 the deepest dunjun neeth the castle mote I ha ! 
ha!" Just then I awoke. 



DREAMS. 85 

It wuz but a dreem, but it left an impreslien on my mind. 
*'If we succeed in smasbin Lincoln and bis guverment," 
tbawt I, " a monerkey must ensoo^ and, wbo nose, I may yet 
be Dook de ISTasby 1" Filled witb new zele I resoomd laber 
on my sermon for tbe morrer, on tbe unconstoosbnality 
uv tbe puttin down rebelyuns witb muskets, witb renood 
wigger. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, 
Paster uv sed Cburcb, in cbarge. 



THE NASBY PAPERS, 



xxxvr, 

HIS LETTEE ON FREMONT'S NOMINATION. 

Chuegh uv the Noo Dispeksashun, 
June 2, 18G4. 
Halleloogy ! 

Now is the winter uv our diskontent, maid gellorious 
summer. The clowds that oercast the perhtticle horyzon is 
broak, and rays frum the sun uv success hev peerced em, 
gildin the nosis uv the fatheful with a ra^'jence that whisky 
can not give. 

Honey hez cum out uv a karkis — good hez perceeded frum 
Nazzyreth. The Eaddykels hev nominated Fremont ! Hal- 
leloogy ! They did it at Cleveland. 

I never votid fer Fremont. In '06 I did't like — in fact, 
I aboosed him. I laft at him fer partin his hare in the mid- 
dle, I accoosed him uv being a Cathlic, and uv steelin cattle 
frum the Guverment. Wen Linkin appinted him Genral, I 
aboosed him agin, and more than ever wen he ishood his 
Emansipashen Proclimashen. 

But now I diskiver that I hev did him a grevous wrong. 
The most bekomin way a man kin part his hare is in the 
middle, the steelin uv cattle frum Guverment is a act that no 
man who supported Bookannon can condem, and his Abolish- 
nism — why hez to be pitied for that. 

Uv coarse no Dimocrat can vote for him, for ther is a 
triflin diffrence in our prinsipples, yet about a hafF uv the 
Abohshn party ought to do it by all menes. John C. is the 
man fer them ondoubtedly. 



HJ.S LETTEFv OS FP.EMO:sT S XOMIXATIOX. 87 

But wether he gits menny votes er few, his bein nomi- 
nated is salvashen to us. Every vote he gits, Linkin won't 
git^ and then what — 

The bail- thot almost overpowers me. We kin elect a 
Dimocrat ! 

This movement put a new face upon affairs. "We needn't 
be pertikelerly anxshus enny moar fer Lee's success — in fact^ 
I bleeve it wood be better fer us 2 hev Grant whip Lee and 
taik Eichmond. Fer why 1 Becoz. Spozn about tlie time- 
the Confederasy is playd out we elect a Dimocrat, and spozn 
that Dimocrat lets up on em, restoars ther niggers, pardones 
em, pays ther debts, compensaits them ez liez sustaned losses 
in the war, and penshens ther widders, woodent they let us 
hev the heft uv the orfisis a while. Uv coarse they wood. 

I segest that the Committis who air takin up collecshuns 
fer Yallandygum, send the munny forthwith to Fremont's 
Execootiv Committy. I shel taik up a coUecshun in my con- 
gregashen immediately fer that purpus. 

Re-inwiggoratid, , 

Petroleu:^ V. jSTasby, 
Paster uv sed Church, in charge* 



88 THE NA3BY PAPERS. 



XXXA'II. 

SONNIT ONTO A SOLJER— FEUM A 
DIM^^IEKEATIC STAN-PINT. 

BY PETEOLEUM V. NASBY. 

Bloo-koted monster ! — thow goist 4tb, 

Arrnd with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet, 
Whose peeked end with Snthrin bhid is wet, 

I bait thee ! tool and minyun uv the North ! 

Put on a Dimocrat them kote and pants, 
Put in bis hand a gun with peeked eend, 
Then toot a fife and he's a Linkin feend, 

Who thirsts fer blud uv Dimecratic saints. 

Monster unnachrel, by Niggerism batched, 

Thowsends and moar uv Dimocrats yoo've slane 
Whoo'l never rally 2 the poles again, 

To vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched. 

Avant ! yoor work our party is undoin, 

To us your kote uv bloo menes jest bloo rooin. 



THAT'S AWL. 



I.EVr-Y AND CO., rniXTLRS, GREAT NEW STREET, FETTER LANE, E.G. 



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